Stately Plump Buck Mulligan... or 'David Tries Relaxing'

I have had two things stuck in my head all day. Firstly the words 'Stately plump Buck Mulligan.' This is the opening few words from Ulysses, a novel by James Joyce a topic which has featured in a previous blog. It is without a doubt the best book I have ever read, and I hate it.

This might confuse some readers, in my head the terms 'best' and 'my favourite' don't usually constitute the same set of books/films/music etc. I think the Godfather's amazing, I love watching it and I could write a considerably long essay about how I think it's the best film I've ever seen. It doesn't come anywhere near my top five though. It just doesn't have the rewatchability of Die Hard or Sleepless in Seattle for me. (Also through that statement you can see my strange range of film tastes)

Ulysses is the book form of the Godfather for me, quite long, quite complicated and brilliant. It took James Joyce 20 years to write and it is taking up most of my time to read. It amazes me how a man can write a 900 page book where every single sentence means something. There is nothing incidental, nothing pointless in this book. And it is amazing.

It is driving me insane.

I mean pretentious much? Needless to say I will not be revisiting this book like I've revisited Harry Potter. No Harry Potter probably doesn't have as much 'literary value' but to hell with literary value I like being relaxed and Ulysses does not do that for me. To read something so confusing and so heavy (in terms of what is in it and just general grams) is really taking it out of me, and I look forward to Christmas so I can say goodbye to it. I can confine it to my shelf and look at it occasionally thinking 'yeah, I read that' and feel jolly well proud of myself.

But I don't think it'll end there. I have a feeling this book won't leave me. Like the Odyssey (the book which it is set around) which I have studied at GCSE, A-Level, and now apparently university level. As my friend Ryan said to me earlier, it's come back to haunt me in Modernist form. Worryingly I not only think that it won't leave me, but that I won't want to leave it. I love finding stuff out and learning things and here is a book that no one has ever found everything from. No one likes it, no one would take the fucking thing on holiday, but people read it, people have talked about it and taken it to pieces for exactly 90 years. I think if I ever get into lecturing, as is one of my dreams, I will be teaching a module on the bloody thing. Because I think it's important to literature, I just can't bloody stand it.

Most things I come across nowadays, I quietly think to myself 'this requires study'. I moan about it like no one else, but I love studying literature. I am in the process of applying for an MA in children's literature. I'm loving my dissertation and I'm taking on another personal study next semester. Which brings me to the second thing which has been stuck in my head all day. The Oasis lyric 'if there's a God won't he give another chancer, an hour to sing for his soul.'

If Ulysses has been contested for 90 years, nothing has been contested like God. I don't know what I think about religion. I won't say anything for or against it because I want to study it. I find modernism almost forces me to think about these things, doing an essay on Nietzsche and statements like 'God is dead' is what should be held accountable for this blog. I find it so interesting and I do believe in something afterwards. I can't get my head around the fact that I'll stop being me. However this blind belief in some form of afterlife does not necessarily support a belief in the almighty. I don't like organised religion, personally I don't like how you have to pick one (for the time it takes up). Why are there so many? Why does there have to be a right one? Are any of them right? I don't know, so I'll be looking into that. My lecturers; scholars and logical minds, go to church and believe. I like to know people's beliefs, I like to know why, so I'll look into it. I don't like being told what to believe, by either side, I like to make my own decisions, so one day I'll take a look at that.

Human beings seem to have a habit of writing on things and people looking at these things a thousand years later and thinking they must have significance. This may have been what happened with the guy who thought up religion on a cave wall or the side of a pyramid. And this may have happened with Ulysses. I would love to have a time machine, visit James Joyce and discover that Ulysses is actually a 900 page book about a man farting, pooing, picking his nose and masturbating his way through a day, eating kidneys, going to funerals and nothing else. And all the literary references and everything else that has been picked apart from it is purely incidental. Until then however...

Stately plump Buck Mulligan...for fuck's sake.

It is because of these thoughts that Ulysses has given me, and doing essays on things like 'God is dead' and an endless stream of modernism travelling my way, I joined a snooker club. It's free for students and it relaxes me. I think it's the clack of the balls? Probably weird but hey, I'm a weird guy. So if you'd like to join me for a game and a chat about Nietzsche or James Joyce, find me at assorted Riley's snooker clubs drinking Guinness and having a lovely relax.

Sex and the City in No Way Influenced This Post or 'David Tries Being a Modern Man'

I guess I'm a modern man, I'm currently sitting up at 1.30 in the morning watching Sex and the City and I'm actually in a loving, extremely straight relationship. So sue me, it's funny! I suppose it's also inspired me to start writing this blog again, I love blogging, writing every day is something I plan on enforcing from now on as I realise it's the one thing I want to do with my life so I will always do it, whether I get paid pittance or total zilch, or (hopefully) the big bucks.

So it's been a while, and I guess I'd better mention the big change in my life, as will be the theme of this first blog back after my little summer break. I have a girlfriend. An extremely wonderful one called Charlotte, so when I mention a Charlotte in future blogs you'll know who she is.

I'd better start at the beginning. I warn you, only read on if you want to read about a relationship, if not, I'm afraid there's nothing for you here! I say modern man in my title because I happened to meet my girlfriend through Youtube of all places. That place where people, more often than not slightly mental people like myself post videos for a variety of reasons, music, to make people laugh, the joy of instant creation to be seen by possible millions, or - often - because they own a cat that can perform an amusing trick. I'd decided to read out a passage of 50 Shades of Grey for comedy value, Charlotte saw it when someone she was already subscribed to liked it. She followed me on Tumblr through a link I had in my description box, I saw she looked cute in her profile pic on there, plus liked The Fault in Our Stars, one of the greatest books ever written, so I messaged her. We spoke for a week straight without pause and then we met, and we kissed and four months on the conversation's still going.

Now I'm quite proud of myself. I'm not the luckiest with ladies, and finding the girl of my dreams through Youtube was certainly not how I envisioned meeting said girl of my dreams, but I did, and perfectly so. Truth is we live in a modern world, a world where it's easier than ever to meet people we would never usually meet. I'm sure a lot of people would here 'I met my girlfriend on Youtube' and think 'what?! Shock! Horror! Interrobang!*' or something of the sort. And in a way I whole-heartedly agree, there are a lot of weirdos on the internet so I in no way condone the random meeting of any old person. But if you're safe, i.e. as safe as you would be in real life, you'll be fine. I met Charlotte's family on that first meeting. And some of her friends and mutual loveliness was seen on both sides. I'd recommend anyone in a similar situation as Charlotte's parents do the same with any prospective weirdo from the internet! But of course I am not a weirdo...in that sense at least, hence the four month relationship (and counting). People on the internet, more often than not are just that, people. You're on the internet right now, and I believe we live in a changing world where stories like mine and Charlotte's are becoming more common. It's just a new way to meet people, friends or otherwise.

So I recommend taking the risk, I knew I liked Charlotte instantly, I think you do just know sometimes and it's something I had never experienced up to that point. People have told me in the past that I should be this and I should be that, but the truth is when you meet the right person you are exactly yourself and everything goes according to plan. I had watched a video by the youtuber Carrie Fletcher earlier in the day. I highly recommend watching her, she has this project called the things we never say project. The impetus in it's creation is for people to say the things they want to say that they never usually would. And with Charlotte I did, I know people would tell me not to say the things I said in that first conversation, but I did, and now we're in love. So my advice to anyone is if you really like someone it really is that simple, say what you want to say, if they don't respond well then they're not the right person, move on. Moving on was something I had failed to do to an extremely high degree up until that point in my life. But it worked and I'm happier than I could have ever possibly imagined.

To be honest, if I sit and think about the things and the tiny decisions which led me to Charlotte, I really can't believe it. Just one tiniest decision going the other way could have meant me never meeting her. If my friend Jocy had never introduced me to youtubing or John Green I would not be on youtube and in love with the writing which led me to her. If I'd never joined Tumblr she'd never have followed me on there, if any one of the girls I'd pursued in the past had said yes to me I'd maybe be with them. If I'd never subscribed to GQ I wouldn't have had the passage of 50 Shades of Grey to read out for that person to like on youtube. That person may not have ever started youtubing either, and that they might not have subscribed to me. The fact that out of the billion videos on that site Charlotte stumbled across mine is something that even now I fail to comprehend. And if I'd never started this blog I wouldn't have tried youtubing in the first place.

I'd like to say that our situation is unique, that it's special and magic and wonderful and it is; infinitely so, but every story like this is special and unique and magic to the couple and I think that's wonderful. Relationships are wonderful and the way they happen is wonderful.

The truth is internet, Charlotte is wonderful and I had to tell you our story as this is my favourite new thing and my most successful. Having a girlfriend and being in love is just about the best new thing I've rather wonderfully stumbled across.

* For those not in the know an Interrobang is the greatest of all punctuation marks, the combination of a question mark and an exclamation mark. I will be making a petition to have it included on all computer keyboards.

A Fancy Way of Saying Not Much or 'David Tries Being a Third Year'

Well internet, I'm annoyed.

And I'll tell you for why. I'd call him JJ, but that unfortunately makes him sound cool, and in my opinion, so far, he is not. I am talking about the so-called master wordsmith James Joyce.

I'll be honest, I'm 40 pages into the 900 page leviathan confuse-athon and so far I am just that. Confused isn't the word, I may be confuzzled to say the least. My lecturer said to me in a meeting with him, that it was his personal opinion that Modernism (and James Joyce is the main flag-bearer for that particular critical theory) was a fancy way of saying not much at all. And I'm inclined to agree.

I understand modernism, I understand the movement to create new ways to tell stories. Without modernism we wouldn't have Catcher in the Rye, or Dracula, two stories told in ways which were previously unheard of. Catcher in the Rye, like Ulysses, the book I am struggling through, written in a stream of consciousness way, Dracula written as a series of letters and diary entries. A style which I found gripping and interesting, and it's why these are two of my favourite books.

Ulysses though. It makes me angry! Joyce makes so many claims as though they're gospel truth. And I understand why he writes, as in to get people to think about things, namely irish home rule and British imperialism at its time of writing, but this is hidden amongst so many other subplots and asides it's almost impossible to keep up with. In the first page alone I was confronted with three different ideals and preachy statements concerning religion, a quest for paternity and something else which my brain can't even start to remember. The only way these themes were brought to my attention was by consulting the notes.

'Stately, plumb Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and razor lay crossed. A yellow dressing gown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him by the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned: - Introibo ad altare Dei'

Would anyone like to guess what you're supposed to get from those opening lines to this book? Just a man having a leisurely stroll down the stairs to have a shave. Why he's so lazy he hasn't even done up his dressing gown? That crazy mo-fo.

While this is happening in the story, I am suppose to ignore this point, i.e. what is actually happening. Instead I'm supposed to remark on the crossed mirror and razor which makes a mockery of the Catholic church and the catholic mass as he creates a mock worship in his shaving routine. Therefore there's a distinct anti-religion theme. I'm supposed to take his ungirdled dressing down as to meaning that he's walking down the stairs naked, as in, displaying his penis. His ease with which he displays his penis is mean to represent his affinity with Neitzsche's Superman, the übermensch. The ideal representation of how a man should be. This is meant to lead me to the two main character's quest for their paternity, though Stephen Dedalus has not even been introduced to us yet. Then there's something else of importance about the fact that he used Latin frivilously. I can't remember because I can't fit anything else in my head.

That was six lines!

And sure, you can say 'but David, you're an English student, you're supposed to do this to any book.' And I'd agree, and I love doing it, but not to every single line, to a series of completely unrelated preachy points. I disagree with preachiness on all levels. My dissertation is centred mainly around this point. I dislike being told what to believe and what is good literature. I don't think this is good literature. I don't think good literature should include a vital notes section without which you miss the point of the book. And the notes are extensive. As in about 300 pages worth. 300 pages explaining the incomprehensible words in this stupid book!

I like finding the meaning in things, and I think it's impressive that so much can be put into a book. But is any of it necessary? Did I need to have all of this shoved down my throat by James Joyce? I don't think so. I think you get much much more from books written by John Green. I mention John Green a lot in my blogs and in life in general and there's a reason for that. His skill is to create a fantastic story with gripping characters which you can read in a day because you literally can't put his books down. You feel like any moment you're not reading his book is a moment wasted. When I pick up Ulysses, with a veritable groan I feel my heart sinking as I know that in about half an hour's time I'm going to have a headache and then find that I've only progressed 3 pages.

Interesting characters are vitally important to literature. I personally find it interesting to see the author through his characters. And what I see through the high and mighty, douchebag that is Buck Mulligan, and the reserved 'perfect man' that is Stephen Dedalus is the two sides of James Joyce, neither of which I like. Both of them preaching in their own ways.

It's an interesting story that books used to be sealed, and you had to break each new page as you progressed through the book. The vast majority of copies of Ulysses which have been found from it's time of publication were not broken in beyond page 50. As in no one could get through it. Did they miss out? I don't think so. They probably went and read Dracula, had a thumping good read, and then if  they wanted they learnt some really interesting and vital points about feminism and other things contained importantly within pages, which, insultingly at the time was seen as 'Tesco's Top Ten' literature. The 50 Shades of Grey of its day. And yes, times change, but really, 50 Shades of Grey is a steaming pile of horse manure. Dracula is a really good book. And yes that's my opinion. However I wouldn't be high and mighty enough to say without doubt that every person in the world must read Dracula. I highly recommend you give it a try but I don't think anything is vital literature. Least of all Ulysses.

So now I struggle on, because I must read about why James Joyce believes that boys playing sports and learning Classics in England led to World War One.

I shit you not. Page 41, here I come. *waves flag of sarcasm*

My Skinny Leg Attire is At the Ready or 'David Tries Being an Actual Author Person'

Well, I've arrived.

Authortown, Writer's Junction, Wordsmith Boulevard. No Green Day, my boulevard is one of intact dreams.

Alright I've not yet but I will be very very soon. I spoke a bit last time about my dislike of the Amazon conglomerate. I am a huge hypocrite because I use Amazon, a great deal in fact. So much that I'm even a member of Amazon Prime. So if you need anything delivered tomorrow for free I'm your man.

However, while I do use the shopping cart of evil, I purchase some things elsewhere. Books for instance I buy in bookshops because, as a writer I feel a personal affiliation to the writers of the books and the booksellers themselves. I would much rather give Waterstones and John Green my money than Amazon and Jeff Bezos, owner of Amazon (and John Green still) my money.

That's the sickening thing though. If I go on the Amazon marketplace to buy The Fault in Our Stars, for a cut price, which I can easily do, John Green; writer one of the best books I have ever read, gets none of my money. Only the seller does. It's like someone buying a concert ticket and selling it on. It just doesn't sit right with me. Alright, there's only one book, so there's only one percentage of money up for grabs, so in a round about way John Green has been paid for his excellent work, and I get my book. But so does the money spinning giant with the monopoly on everything.

That's why I don't like Amazon, it doesn't care about what's on it. It's only out for money. I would like to think, the owner of a chain of bookshops, by definition cares a little bit about books, therefore I would rather purchase my words scribbled on delightful scented paper from them.

On another note when are Yankee Candles going to do a 'new book' scent? Get your finger out Yankee Candles.

The reason why I'm talking about this again is that this morning, on watching an Alex Day (Nerimon) video, I was inspired to go it alone in the publishing world. Gradually over the past few months, I've grown to appreciate Youtube for what it actually is. The perfect site for creation. It is built on user created content. Yes there are clips of films and music and other things, but the basis of it is a place where a person, say you or me, can get hold of a camera, be it a cheap webcam or a camera worth many monies, can click record and create whatever we like. Alex Day makes music, and got to number 4 in the UK charts at Christmas last year. No record label, nothing like that.

I am convinced independent is the future. I do agree with John Green on the book side of things, self-published books can go wrong. If a book has been looked over by a large number of people, and the authors themselves though, I think self-publishing a book is just the same as Alex Day self-producing excellent music for people's ears. I want to create stories for people's eyes.

I have become disheartened and annoyed with the publishing industry. I have been told by two separate  publishing institutions (an agency and a publisher) more or less that my book is fantastic. However, for the most ridiculous reasons my book is not sat on a shelf in Waterstones. The publisher said I was two young and the agency basically (I think) couldn't be bothered. They said that my book is a thriller/sci-fi/ humour. First of all I disagree with the humour. My book has humour in it, it's not of the humour genre. This was her reasoning for not wanting to take it on.

Therefore I thought, why should I listen to these people when there exists on the internet, this wonderful land of sharing and creation, the tools to self publish my work. So I give you ibooks and the Kindle Store.

Ah the Amazon link, see I was going somewhere.

I had a dialemma. If I put my book on the Kindle Store for money, Mr Bezos gets a slice of my pie. My pie is tasty and I don't share it with people I don't like. Mr Bezos is on my list. However he has the sharing platform for books, and to ignore it would be foolish of me. Therefore I came up with a plan. I have a vlog on Youtube, I hope to get a following on the site. And I believe in the community. I believe that as a group of creative people, the Youtubers can accomplish anything they set their minds to. It's beating the system in a wonderfully poetic and fist-pumpingly awesome way. That's why my book will be available for nothing on the Kindle Store. You can get my 300 pages of story, for free. And I really hope you'll like it.

I hate to be big-headed, to assume that my work should be one of those things. I'm not saying it will be, all I want to do is try. And try again with something better if something fails. But then what is failure? If one person buys my book, and it helps them in whatever small way, I would call my words on their computer screen a 100% roaring success. Who says that number of sales = success? Alright loads of people. But not me, that's not important to me. Ok it's my dream of making a living out of this, which is why I'll be putting my book on sale for money on ibooks.

But David! I hear you cry. Apple are as big a company as Amazon, if not bigger! Why are you giving them money. And the answer, first and foremost is my self-professed Apple-whore status. I own every Apple product save for the ipad and imac. Although I do have plans to own them in the future. I love Apple products. I love itunes, I love everything about them. That's my preference, and it might seem narrow-minded of me to chose them over personal preference but is it? Apple, in my opinion monopolise electronic items and sale. But that's their right as an electronics company. Amazon on the other hands, like Tescos are trying to monopolise everything. From books, to music, to paddling pools, to sweets, to clothes to everything else ever created by man. I do not want to walk down a street singularly composed of these two signs. However having one Apple store every now and again just shows a bloomin' successful company who are good at what they do. Which is why my book will be for sale for actual money on the ibooks store. Not for a full book price because I'm nice, but for sale nevertheless.

But David!

You again? What now?

Why would people buy your book when they can get it for free?

Well, I would like to think, that people like to contribute to the creator's work. Thousands of people download for music for free and buy the albums they actually like or believe in. I therefore am offering my work for free, so people can then, if they so desire, and only if they desire, go and buy my book and give me a little bit of money for my trouble. Maybe it's a hippy way to do this but I believe in people, and I would! I download nothing for free, I don't believe in it at all, and I love the idea of giving something away in one place and asking people to contribute if they like.

I very much hope it works. Maybe it's pie in the sky and I don't know if it'll work for me. I just want to find out if people like my work. If they do there will be a sequel, and another after that, and then several standalone novels I have plans for. I want people to read the words I've written so why not give it to them? If they go and buy it too, then wehey! Top notch, my thanks can never be expressed in words thankful enough. So I'll express my thanks with another book you can get for free if you so choose. Hopefully you'll like that one too and come back for more.

I would like to also make the point that because profit margins are better for authors when you self-publish. Whatever 'extra' money I'd receive by self-publishing would go to the 'This Star Won't Go Out' foundation. I think definitely the most worthy cause I can think of. http://tswgo.org/

This is my plan, to be an indie author. My skinny leg attire is at the ready.

I Have a Dream or 'David Tries Being an Important Black Rights Spokesman'

I shall call this the sentence of disappointment. Or the sentence of broken promises. It goes thus:

I am not Martin Luther King, nor am I in the position to campaign for black rights. Mainly because a lot of people already did that a long time ago to great effect. I sometimes wonder who will be the Martin Luther King of the gay rights movement. I hope it's Neil Patrick Harris personally; my current favourite homosexual.

Anyway, while I will not be talking today at any length about rights, I do have a dream.

Smooth David, onto the point.

My dream is quite simple, and it's an idea I've had for a few months now and not really shared. Mainly because it only formed properly in my head about 45 seconds ago.

My idea for my blog in the first place, as I'm sure you know - if you don't, then have a click on those links over there --> where've you been? But anyway my idea for this blog came from a sudden fear I had that I wasn't trying everything I should be trying, in all areas of my life. I'm a 21 year old man living in London, a city which screams 'come here! Experience me!' That sounds sordid and I don't even care, I experience the hell out of this place.

I love trying things because I love discovering new places and new things to interest me and benefit my life. It's an incredibly positive way to live to be willing to give anything a try and I can only recommend it, it's up to you whether you want to follow it too.

The tricky thing is though, how to find things? Most of the time I go on a random adventure somewhere, say London, and while there something will catch my eye and I'll give it a go. The other day it was seeing One Man, Two Guv'nors. I had no plans to see it but I was walking past it, there was a friendly sign saying 'tickets for tonight!' and I walked in. I flashed my National Theatre pass and saw one of the best, funniest plays I'd ever seen for £5. On another note I want to get an FBI style flippy wallet for my NT pass. Or maybe I'll wear it as a badge on the inside of my outerwear.

My point is, on my spontaneous adventure I experienced many things, this play for instance. In the play there was a band playing between scenes. They're called 'The Craze' and they're my new favourite band and my soundtrack to writing this blog. I think it would be silly to merely go to the NT website, click on the shop and purchase their album there. I suggest instead scooting over a couple of tabs, getting yourself an entry pass. Skipping over to the tab next to it and using that badboy to see One Man, Two Guv'nors and then buy their album at home. They're amazing, they're a skiffle band with a punky, indie twang to their voices. They're like the Beatles meets Alex Day, the Youtuber formerly known as Nerimon, who I also suggest you check out.

This is my point though, not everyone has the time or the patience to go on spontaneous trips to London. As much as I think everybody should because I have a lot of fun doing that, but it would be good if there was another place I could visit, here on the internet which pointed me in the direction of The Craze, or Alex Day, or One Man, Two Guv'nors, or indeed the quirky shop I discovered the day after on a second trip to London called 'The Vintage Magazine Shop.' A place which doesn't actually provide magazines disappointingly, but instead a whole host of retro merchandise that I really wanted to spend money I don't have on. It's awesome and on Brewer Street near Leicester Square...What are you still doing here, go now! I'll wait for you to get back...

...Hiya! It's amazing isn't it? What? You went and saw a bit of spontaneous theatre too? A reader after my own heart. As I was saying though, I'd like to see a website which promoted the indie. I think indie is a vastly misunderstood term. I think a lot of people hear the word 'indie' and go 'ugh idiots in skinny jeans.' And yes, we may like our jeans slender, but they make our legs look sexy! Indie means independent, and so much is made of the fear that nowadays independent things are dying out. I have a contrary opinion. What people like Alex Day show us, is that independent people are thriving, there is just not the general worldwide advertising they require. This is a crying shame. Not that these independent people should advertise themselves, by paying people to do so, that kind of defeats the point of being independent. However, there needs to be a platform for these people, led by the people who love listening to them, reading their work, visiting their shops.

It's always a huge shame when an independent shop goes under. I direct you to the film 'You've Got Mail.' It's very sad when Meg Ryan's children's bookshop gets closed in lieu of the arrival of Tom Hank's book megastore down the street. And it's a situation only two relatable to the situation we find ourselves in. Especially for artists of all disciplines. Amazon is not only putting independent shops out of business with their cheap books/cheap dvds/cheap everything. They are putting entire chains of shops out of business. I direct you to Borders, murdered by the Amazon giant. Waterstones and Barnes and Noble are also on shakey ground because of the online superstore giant.

I'm not going to say I don't use Amazon, of course I use Amazon, it's unavoidable, especially as a student with limited funds. But do you really want a high street that only has the word Amazon above every shop? It would be so boring, and more importantly it makes only the one person any richer, the person sitting at the top of the Amazon pyramid. And it's not fair. Why should the Rupert Murdoch type people of this world own the monopoly on everything? Money should be spread evenly amongst all the people who create the work that they produce. This opens up the avenue of self publishing. You can now upload any old writing you do on the side to the Amazon Kindle Store, and give Amazon a share of the profits. What about the publishers who make writing publishable? I can sit here and complain about my book being published all I like but the fact of the matter is I haven't produced something good enough to be published which is why I always strive to make what I write better. Editors and publishers deserve their place in the business, and Amazon is trying to put them out of the business in supposed 'fairness' to get everyone's work out into the public. But it's not about that. The people who become big through self publishing. The EL James type people in this world (the author who penned Fifty Shades of Grey) are only out for the money, not for the work. As are Amazon who helped her self publish the work in the first place.

I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself. EL James was of course an independent person at first. However she is now published by a bona fide publishing house, and the fact of the matter is, her work is not up to the standard of other books published generally. The point of being independent, like Alex Day is that the work he produces would get signed, I have no doubt, there will be record labels snapping at his converse. And I'm sure they are. I don't fully understand Alex's position, all I know is that he's not signed, and from what I am aware happy to stay that way, under the independent producer DFTBA records, a vlogbrothers production. The point is that being independent can work. I'm not lauding book publishers, they are a business, and if you believe your work is good enough, then self publish, but you could start by doing so for free. There's a difference in wanting to get the work out there and selling out *cough* EL James *cough*

I've gone off on one, but the point remains, companies like Amazon are out to kill the independent people, not support them. They're trying to monopolise independence! And sneakily. And I think it's wrong. It's dog eat dog you might say, and I agree, which is where my dream comes in, and I really hope I can achieve it.

I want to set up a website, or a web magazine that promotes the new things you can all go out and experience in the world. It would have new music, new books, new theatre shows, new clothes, new art exhibitions, new vlog channels, new absolutely everything so people can click on them, and then go and experience what they want to experience. The problem with good art, I often find is that there is no platform for everyone to see it, or not as big a platform as there should be. I only found out about Alex Day by word of mouth. To be honest he doesn't need my help, that guy's going places, but I doubt anyone would disagree with a little bit more publicity from a fan who would just like to help. The same goes for The Craze who I really hope get places. And I'm not completely against self-publishing per-say, there are good self-published novels out there, and I would promote them too, along with all the new theatre shows you should go to as a theatre goer, along with everything else which people need to experience.

I'd also have on it a book club and a platform for people to talk, get to know each other, exchange ideas. If you have a band, and you need a bassist, then you could go to the website and there would be a section for people who wanted to promote their musical talents and new and exciting bands would be formed to be out there and in the public's ears. I'm excited, I hope you can tell, I have a lot of ideas, some of them rubbish, but I think this one has legs. The best thing about this website, if you want your stuff on there, it's free. A social networking site for stuff as well as people if you like, like MySpace but not rubbish.

I'd hope a website such as this would encourage people to go out and give their money to the independent people. The ones who create amazing stuff which gets overshadowed by the giants. The Twilights and the Fifty Shades of Grey of this world. The monopolised money spinning doommongers who suck the life out of anything vaguely creative. Don't go to Amazon go to a bookshop you found in a backstreet in Soho. It's the same book, and you keep them afloat and the person who wrote it gets more of your money. Don't give your money to the people who have too much of it already.

NewThings.co.uk. Watch this space.

Alex Day: http://www.youtube.com/user/nerimon

Blogging...With Style! or 'David Tries Applying for a Job He'll Never Get'

The other day I realised something interesting. I won't go into it again, I made a vlog about it on Youtube so if you'd like the full story of the following idea then here's the link: http://youtu.be/zB162UxEpCY. The idea being that I'd like to think that every so often, people like Walt Disney come along, and they come to rival the likes of Shakespeare with ideas and storytelling capabilities.

I've gone a bit Disney mad in the past few days. I do think that collectively, they are some of the best films ever made. They appeal to mostly everyone and, just like Shakespeare, they are timeless stories which will be enjoyed by viewers, I believe, forever. 

What I'd like to blog about today though is Disney's sister company Pixar. The interesting story behind Pixar is that when it was first owned by Steve Jobs, it was rapidly losing money due to the fact that no one truly believed it could go anywhere as a film company. It's work included only small time advertising work and it's revenue barely covered the means. As a result of this Steve Jobs considered selling it. The company may well have faded into nothingness!

Imagine that! No Toy Story! No Bug's Life! No Incredibles! They have only made 13 feature films to date, and compared to the amount of films out there that's a microscopically tiny number, but just think the gap in our lives that would have been left if we didn't know who Woody and Buzz Lightyear were. 

Because Toy Story made Pixar, thanks to Disney investing in the company and promising to distribute Toy Story (which went on to gross $350 million) we have these characters and this wonderful team of filmmakers in our lives. I only re-watched 'The Incredibles' for the first time today and I'd forgotten quite how good it was. What Disney and Pixar have always been good at, and the reason why I believe they surpass every film company out there is that they manage to do this with every single one of their films:

Accurately represented by this amusing GIF...

What does GIF stand for?...

A Graphics Interchange Format! Who knew? I find this interesting sometimes, how the acronyms sound amazing and catchy yet what they actually stand for is instantly forgettable. See I've already forgotten what GIF stands for. Like DVD, Digital Versatile Disc? Yawn. Or even Laser! Bet you didn't even know that was an acronym. It stands for 'Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.' Imagine how different Austin Powers would be without acronyms! 'Frickin' sharks with frickin' light-amplification-by-stimulated-emission-of-radiation beams attached to their frickin' heads!'

I apologise if you don't understand the reference. But anyway, as I was saying. Disney and Pixar have the capability, through their story telling, both in writing and visually, to get us right where we weren't expecting. Or 'right in the feels' as the internet says nowadays. Interestingly enough, the Avengers, from which that GIF is taken from, was written by Joss Whedon, the selfsame screenwriter who jointly with others, penned Toy Story. So it's no wonder that 'Avengers Assemble' is sitting pretty at 3rd in the all time gross list. 

It appears as though everything Disney touches turns to gold. And I think this is a well earned trait for such an incredible bunch of storytellers. Everyone's got their favourites, and I think Pixar in particular have that extra spark of genius. The only downside to Disney proper, if you can call it a downside, is they are a re-teller of stories. And could even be described as an adaptation company. Jungle Book, Robin Hood, Alice in Wonderland, Hercules, Tarzan. All stories which already existed in some form. Though I would say, their skill is to take a story, like The Jungle Book which is notoriously difficult to read and more than likely a story otherwise destined for insignificance, if it weren't for Disney's re-telling. With expert voices, catchy songs, and characters you really don't want to die. I mean when Baloo the bear almost dies I cry every time! I even shed a tear for the Incredibles a couple of hours ago! Disney just capture the feelings that humans feel and give them back to us in ways we don't see coming as an audience. That is their genius I think.

What makes Pixar particularly special for me, however, and it's why I'd go as far to say - horror of horrors - I think they're better than Disney, *Ducks and hides from a barrage or insults and complaints*, is that their ideas and their stories are 100% original. I mean Toy Story. That's a dream we all have and we all believe when we're little. That our toys come to life when we're not looking, and even when we are looking. A child's mind can create the most amazing stories which are never heard by anyone else, and I bet you've all forgotten the ones you came up with. None of our toys match but as a child you make them match, you give them reasons to exist in the same world and that's incredible! That's why the team of Woody and Buzz against the evil Doctor Porkchop works. We all had an evil Doctor Porkchop as a child. Me and my brother used to (this is embarrassing but I care not) have so many toys and they lived in a world we created when we shared a room when we were really little. We had David's bed and Peter's bed and my teddy bear I've had since I was born was the King of David's bed and all our toys had adventures in the world we could see because we'd invented it. And you'll laugh but I'd bet everything I own that you did the same thing! 

But that's why Toy Story is such a genius idea. That's why Bug's Life is amazing for the same reason, and Finding Nemo. Original stories which do everything that Disney does, but with that expert level of creativity, and they are, in my opinion, the only company around who create original stories anymore. I mean I loved the Avengers more than I could ever love any film, but that's a story that exists already. In comic book form but still, the ideas are already there for someone to make money out of. I hate to be cynical about something I really love but it's true. But Wall-E? And Up? Find me a film which tells those stories and I will buy you a house. The bit at the start of Up? It's been said by many people, but that was more romance and story-telling than Twilight did in 6 films or whatever the hell that money making racket is onto to now. Did we really need another vampire story?

Off the point. This is why, to be involved even slightly with a company like Pixar would be something beyond my wildest dreams. To be among the people who create these incredible films would be like David heaven. Therefore one day, when I'm qualified enough I will apply for a job at Pixar. I won't do it now, because I tried once before and I go so far in filling out the application and I realised I couldn't fill it out. They only want the best! And rightfully. So I'm afraid I've lied to you dear reader, I've not tried anything new today.

Ok I did.

And I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'd never seen the Incredibles before today. And I've never seen Finding Nemo or Ratatouille or Cars either. But within the next few days I will have. I've always told that little white lie before now because I really felt as though I should have! I always said 'I've seen it, but only once.' The ultimate deception. But I'm out there now, I've said it. And I feel like I've been rude to Pixar for not watching these films. But I did try something new today then. I tried the Incredibles and it's now among my favourites. I can't make a top 3 Pixar films because they're all my top Pixar films.

And that is why I cannot wait for Brave, or The Good Dinosaur, or their other, as yet unnamed film. 

Ooooor, last but not least I can't wait for Monster's University where we find out how Mike and Sully became friends! I literally only just found this trailer now. It's 8 hours old! You heard it here first people!

In short well done Mr Lasseter. 

The Church of Do What You Like or 'David Tries Being Ordained'

That's right folks it's happened, two blogs in one day.

I just became a minister in the Universal Life Church Monastery.

So...yeah.

Basically I just wanted to know how easy it was to become a minister. Turns out very! Literally took less than a minute and I'll receive my certificate of authenticity in a minute via email. I had a few reasons for doing this really. The first and most obvious being that this was a very easy new thing for me to try. I suppose I can call it a success! The second reason is that I do think it would be quite nice if anyone I know gets married, they could have me if they wanted! Just like Monica and Chandler did with Joey in Friends. Maybe that's just nice in my head. Probably wouldn't feel very official.

What got me thinking though is this is more than enough for some people. Of course actual reverends go on pilgrimages and do holy orders and get official documents and licenses. But then I can get all that, it says, on my confirmation email that I can marry people, absolve them of their sins and perform baptisms and last rites. I can also, if I really want to, set up my own religion. Why then is this any different to other religions?

Getting into controversial territory here but I'm keen for the debate. What makes my religion so fake? I so far have two possible titles:

1. The Church of Sexy
2. The Church of DWYL (Do What You Like)

To be honest I think my religion would be quite popular. You don't go to hell if you step on a snail and you can pretty much do as you please as long as you don't treat other people badly, if you do, you get reincarnated as a slug, or a sweaty codpiece for a fat wrestler. Or maybe just Phil Neville. Don't defy my religion I have the power! And anyway, Jedi's a religion! If they can have a religion and swing around toy lightsabers then I can have mine!

But jokes aside, technically my religion, save from having a holy text, has all the credentials of other religions. It says, on my email, that I can now officially use the title 'Reverend'. David Tries New Things has led me to a whole new box I can tick on forms. And I will! Next time I get a newspaper subscription or something, I'm definitely getting it sent to Rev. D. Steedman.

Now I'm not saying people should follow me, I don't want them to, unless it's on Twitter (https://twitter.com/#!/DaveSteed24) See what I did there? See that's divine intervention promoting my social networking sites. 

But I'm really not saying people should follow me. It is strange though, how with just a tiny little form, using a password in which I used the word sexy (don't try and crack it, there's numbers in there too, foolproof) I became a minister of a religion, able to perform religious rights in the eyes of the law. It doesn't cost me anything, it was really quick and if I get a special placard printed out I can get free parking! 

Personally I can't really see why what I just did is any different to what ministers in other religions have to do, it was just a lot easier. And you could say I was being insulting, but if I was being serious about this I could say you were being insulting to my new religion. What if I really believed in the Universal Church of Holy Life Monastery Thingy or whatever it was called. (I'm a really good minister) And I bet some people do. Why do they have any less right to believe they're married in the eyes of their God than the eyes of the Christian God, or Muslim God. To be honest, I liked the ethos of this universal church a lot more. It pretty much says, everyone's the same so treat each other good and you'll be alright. It's a lot like the Church of Sexy. Except in my church you get free biscuits, and we have beanbags not pews. And there's a live band at the alter every week. Next week's Red Hot Chili Peppers, I wanted Foo Fighters but they were double booked. 

But this Universal Church seems to have a much more relaxed and in my opinion, better outlook on life. This will spawn outrage I'm sure. I really hope not, I'd like to debate about this with people. So comment and tell me what you think!

Oh God did I just join a cult? Expect the next blog to be titled 'David Tries Biting a Chicken's Head Off'. But to be honest, and this will bring more controversy. I can't really see the difference between a religion and a cult, a religion, in my opinion is a sort of approved cult. Obviously you get really weird cults, but a lot of people would consider a lot of things in religions weird too! It's just weird from different bits of the weird spectrum!

All in all I feel like I've accomplished a lot today. So if you need any sins absolved or anything, I'm your man! If I pay $26 I can even get some badges and candles to make the whole thing a lot more official!

Go now and live under the eyes of the Lord Sexy. He's cool, he has sunglasses. 

Next Stop Shellfish of 'David Tries New Tasty Tasty Foods'

Before and now after my holiday I've felt like I needed one. You all know the feeling. Especially with the pressures and annoyances of living in this island we call Great Britain. The ultimate marmite nation. The drama of day to day life at uni in particular however, was a bit too much for me and my everyone needs to get along world view. Rudeness gets to me on a level that it really shouldn't. I won't go into things because that's what my blog is about. I just feel as though the last few blogs may have been affected in some way because of this. And for that I apologise.

Therefore, as of now, normal service is resumed.

So my Good Food magazine came this morning and my god, the taste sensations it teased me with. Over the past few months I've come to consider myself a huge foodie. Oh that's actually a word! I was expecting the red zigzag of doom. Or the green zigzag of doom even. What even is that? So I've made a mistake which is not quite as bad as my gross spelling error but the internet and word processing and general computerised spellchecking deems it necessary to bring to my attention. At least it's better than the paperclip. Although not quite as bad as the macbook beach-ball of doom.

Anyway being a foodie has, in many ways added a whole new level of happy experiences to my life. As a child I felt I was a fussy eater, I didn't like beans, or marzipan, or even pasta at a point! When you're from the family of pasta lovers that I am though I can sympathise with my younger self. I find it strange that as a child we tend to conflict the general thinking of adults around you until you start seeing their way. It's why everyone will probably end up voting conservative.

Foodie! Concentrate David. Since I came to uni, I pretty much subconsciously came to the decision that disliking such foods was a silly idea. Some stuck, it took me a long while to start liking baked beans for instance. I just always found the texture a bit strange, or squiffy, my word of the moment. But ever since I got that tasty full english breakfast at standsted and bravely decided to have it as it comes, beans and all, I haven't gone back. That first dip of toast into the beany goodness showed me what I've been missing out on! Next stop, boiled eggs, because then I can have soldiers and they're cool.

Being a foodie is a lot of fun I've found. Not being scared of new tastes is a new thing that I can try on a daily basis and it means that when I go to a new restaurant for instance, one of David's favourite past-times, I can try something new and exciting. Previous to this, in restaurants I'd always go for the steak or grill. Which is always tasty but a bit boring.

On another note, when I think the word 'grill' I'm always reminded of the Homer Simpson quote 'le grille? What the hell is that?!' Naturally the big bald buffoon is holding up a grill as he attempted to put together a barbecue using the french instructions. Classic 90s comedy.

But as I was saying, this means that recently, when I've been sat in a new restaurant I've been adventurous enough to try new foods. I'd always steered clear of ravioli for instance, because the David of old would have been scared of what was inside. However when I took the plunge on my recent trip to Rome I found out ricotta cheese is amazing and now among my favourite cheeses.

This meant therefore that when I was at Jamie Oliver's restaurant in Reading the other week for my brother's birthday (we're very posh my family) I was not in the least bit put off by Jamie's Ricotta cheesecake. Neither was I perturbed by the spaghetti fritters (deep fried spaghetti!) or the Italian nachos (deep fried ravioli) Therefore, once I'd been to Jamie's Italian and discovered that Mr Oliver really likes deep frying things, I also discovered that I had a whole host of new foods to add to my favourites list.

Also in Spain recently, I found a taste for green olives and I once again confirmed my love of swordfish. I found it delightfully meaty but soft and fishy at the same time. I can thank my university refectory for that. Which is surprising because that place was usually dire straits for foodies.

This means that I now stop to read menus wherever I can in restaurants when walking around. I can only dream of the monetary requirements necessary to stop and eat at them all. Therefore a nice moral to the end of this particular blog. Never be afraid of new foods. Precious few actually make you vomit on the spot. You need to go to I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here for those kind of delicacies, and I don't care how many stars it'll get me, putting a Kangaroo testicle in my mouth isn't what I want to be doing with my Saturday afternoons. Most foods however, surprisingly, are actually quite tasty. Especially in restaurants when you can more often than not trust the restauranteur in question that the tastes they've cobbled together on their menus do actually work! Trust me, be adventurous with food, you'll love it.

Although don't do what Johnny English does at the sushi bar and try something strange to impress a girl, you'll get your tie stuck in the conveyor belt and yes that's hilarious, but the girl gets away!

For me the next stop is shellfish. That mountain of strange yet obviously tasty food I have get to conquer! Wish me luck New Things fans!

P.S. If you've got a strange yet wonderfully tasty food you can recommend please leave a comment!

Yes! Boom! Satire! or 'David Tries Understanding the Universe'

You know who sucks? The Flash!

I mean what a completely pointless superhero. What kind of superpower is moving really fast? Sure, in the burning building scenario superspeed might be a bit helpful, and as superhero films have been showing us for years, superheroes often come into contact with the burning building scenario. It's like a right of passage for most. DC do tend to make some sucky superheroes though. I mean Aquaman? Really? A hero who can only be super in water. And even Superman. I would like to get in on the Superman hype, but I just think it's too easy for him! He's indestructible!

What about Kryptonite I hear you say! Oh you mean that element that doesn't naturally occur on earth? Do me a flavour! That's like saying I'm going to stay inside because I'm allergic to Koala Bears. I sincerely hope I'm not because those mother fuggers are cute. But visiting the other side of the world (though I want to) is a particularly long distance to travel, and coming into contact with a Koala Bear in my day to day life is slim to none. Therefore to call it my weakness would be a bit scaredycat-like of me. So there Superman, debunked by the Koala Bear theory. I'm going to get that put on a t-shirt.

I spend a vast amount of time thinking about superheroes. Too much time really, and watching a 'Charlieissocoollike' video on youtube yesterday (link at the end, watch, superfunny!) My thinking about stuff got put into perspective a bit. Basically, my thought about the Flash, though it took a good two paragraphs to explain, is insignificant in comparison to the size of the universe.

And the world's most obvious statement of the year goes to...

Bear with me, because I found this incredibly interesting. If you ignore my superheroic rant for a minute and just think of me as a person, or indeed you as a person. Think how small you are compared to the amount of people in your country. Tiny! In Great Britain alone there are 60 million people! But then comprehend exactly how tiny you are in relation to the world's population. That's over 7 billion people!

7 billion people! All having their own independent thoughts about superheroes or otherwise. And everyone's thoughts are important! Well, I say important, Nick Clegg is a member of the planet earth fan club whether we like it or not.

Yes! Boom! Satire!

Anyway, think how many thoughts are happening right now, because we are all thinking, it's the one thing you can't stop doing no matter how hard you try. If you try all you do is think about not thinking which, surprise surprise, is still thinking. We even think when we sleep, that's why we dream. But any one person's individual thoughts, compared to the amount of people on planet earth, are tiny to the point of a microscopic bit of fluff on the back of an amoeba. But think of the variety of thoughts! It's scary to think that while I think about superheroes, someone in a third world country is thinking about how they haven't got a piece of rice to their name. In a cave in the middle east somewhere a terrorist might be plotting to kill me with thousands of others. It's scary to think of the range of thoughts occurring at any one time. And I'm a little ashamed, when I think who would win in a fight between the Flash and Thor (Thor obviously) that there are much more important things going on in the world.

And how we treat our world too. I read in the Sunday Times the other day that a conservative MP in Lincolnshire has banned the building of windfarms in his county. I mean, really? On what basis? That they're ugly. First of all, I think windfarms are quite beautiful, awe inspiring things, and secondly, does he care about this planet at all? I'm not an eco-mentalist by any stretch of the imagination, but I spend a great deal of time thinking about the future and killing our planet is not the way to go about it. So explain that one David Cameron (initials DC, no coincidence that he shares it with the comic company which pedals vast amounts of suck. Metaphor? I think so.)

However, and I am getting to my universe point, worry not! When you consider the problem of building windfarms on the scale of how small that one windfarm is to the size of our solar system, you have to take a step back. Illustrated beautifully by this picture:

Look how small the earth is compared to the sun? I think Charlie said that you can fit the earth in the sun a million times over. And then you think, if the earth's so small compared to something that big, think how many times I could fit in the sun? And think how small my one thought about superheroes is compared to the 7 billion other thoughts in this solar system.

And then you have to take another step back because the universe is infinite. Forever expanding and creating new matter. To think that we were created here by the explosion of another star, that the chunks of rock and earth that were formed in the centre of that star were flung out and one rock settled at this perfect point from the sun so that we could evolve to live and breath naturally is frankly the most awe inspiring, amazing thing I've ever heard. 

I can hear the raising of hands of religious folk who would say that this is no coincidence. That this must be divine intervention.

But it is coincidence. 

I have no issue with religious people. I have some issue with people, religious or not that they try and impose their beliefs on others. The right to believe is a right that I have no qualm with so please don't call me up on this one sentence.

But if the universe is infinite, then there are an infinite number of solar systems and an infinite number of galaxies for hundreds of thousands of solar systems to swirl around in. It stands to reason that a few of these solar systems, or indeed most of them, would happen to become ideally placed to support life. I don't think it was divined by any higher being that this should happen. I do believe it a 100% certainty therefore that there is life on other planets. How can there possibly not be when you consider the vastness of the universe? That this one planet that can fit a million times into the one star that can fit a billion times in stars elsewhere in the cosmos, is the only one that can support life is frankly a little big-headed of us.

It's like the monkey/Shakespeare allegory. If you gave an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters (going to adapt this for modern day) - If you gave an infinite number of monkeys, an infinite number of ipads, then eventually they'd come out with Shakespeare. I think that's a lot less amazing than it sounds. Or if you approach it from another perspective, more interesting than it sounds. I think the word 'infinite' is underestimated. It would really have to be an infinite number of monkeys. It's like Pi. Pi goes on forever so it stands to reason that within Pi every single conceivable combination of numbers will appear. Therefore if an infinite number of monkeys bashed on a touchscreen for long enough they'd come out with 'To be or not to be' because they'd (eventually) luckily stumble upon it. And it's the same with the universe, there are an infinite number of combinations in solar systems in distance from the sun, size of planet, type of atmosphere, that could possibly support life. Therefore it's 100% certain; well maybe not 100%, 99.99recurring% certain that this exact make up of a planet here on earth would occur elsewhere in the universe. And then you consider evolution. On other planets, almost certainly, other organisms would have evolved to suit themselves to the make up of their particular home planet. Suddenly science fiction doesn't seem so ridiculous. It's called science fiction for a reason, it's fiction with a base in science, or fact. When you get vastly different aliens all being able to breathe and survive on other planets, maybe that's a little more ridiculous, but it's not 100% improbable, that's what's amazing about the whole thing.

When I first realised this, the insignificance of my thoughts about superheroes scared me a bit. But then I started to think, and frankly I was inspired that people exist, on this planet, or have existed in the past, who worked this out. And that we, from our insignificant little corner of our galaxy, insignificant itself in the universe, can understand this about the universe, just from the power of thought and the thirst to gain knowledge, well I think that's pretty amazing.

I think thought is an amazing thing, and if there was one reason to be immortal, or to be the Doctor, or something similar would be to see the universe like this, and to understand things that humans probably aren't supposed to understand. But we're annoying like that, we like finding things out. So I'm always inspired when I come across people like Charlie McDonnell, or the Green brothers, or indeed any frighteningly intelligent people on youtube, or in blogs or indeed in real life. It inspires me that there will always be new Einsteins, and new Bachs, and new Shakespeares, because humans are just like that. We like to broaden our intelligence, and though it's insignificant universally, I think if at any one time you have a moment and you realise something that amazes you. Then universal insignificance kind of goes out of the window.

Therefore while insignificant in size compared to the universe, the power with which one tiny man or woman's thought can change the lives of 7 billion people is pretty incredible. That one person can write a book, or discover something that we all know is awe-inspiring to the point that all 7 billion people on planet earth should stand up this minute and give that person, alive or dead, a round of applause. I am! Right now because being grateful is important!

Therefore it also stands to reason that one day, off in the distant (or maybe not too distant) future; there will be men and women, and genuses that we have no names for will say/write/discover/sing/draw/cook things that will change an entire galaxy, or an entire universe even. Therefore the power of thought is an incredible, significant thing.

I mean we brought the Doctor back to life when the Master made him really old, that was pretty cool of us!

And then you have people who are interested in what Tulisa did this week. So tomato tomato really.

That doesn't really work when you write it.

Charlieissocoollike

Vlogbrothers

I Like to Pretend My Dressing Gown is a Cape or 'David Tries Culture'

As my title proclaims without shame or holding back, I enjoy mornings where I can wear my dressing gown because this means I can use the tassley thingies to hold it behind me as I come down the stairs as though I am wearing a cape. This means for about four seconds I can pretend to be Darth Vader, or preferably Thor from the Avengers. I have this preference for two reasons.

1. I am a comic book nerd
2. I dislike baddies

However, that is not what this blog is about. Actually, imagine if it was socially acceptable to wear your dressing gown outside, in the real world where people live. Everyone would use their tassley thingies to wear capes and pretend to be Thor, sure we would get teased by the Iron Mans of this world, but I do believe if we all had a cape the world would be a much happier place. Wars would end, arguments would settle and most importantly we'd all be superheroes.

But as I said, anyway.

I would really love to tell you that these strange asides that occur in my blogs are premeditated and that I'm clever enough to make my funny look spontaneous. Unfortunately I am this weird and these things just occur to me!

It may surprise you to learn that a 21 year old man who pretends he's Thor in the mornings went to the Tate Modern the day before yesterday. Believe it or not, I did, and hilarious moments were captured on film by my good friend Jocy as both me, her, Stu and Amy tried to figure out what any of the paintings hung in the gallery actually meant.

My favourite explanation of a painting was Stu's description of 'Curves and Circles' by Paule Vézelay:

According to Paule, the painting represents floating in an atmospheric space. We didn't even read this off of the placard next to the painting because Stu's description is so accurate. This painting is clearly a depiction of the squiggles in your vision which you can never really focus on. For that I must thank Vézelay, this is what they look like. What they are? Who knows, one of life's many unanswerable questions. If you have any idea what they actually are then please leave a comment! Also what are hiccups? I feel as though if you know what causes random squiggles in my eye you might be able to tell me why I hiccup a lot. 

The Tate Modern, aside from having a whole two floors closed, the viewing of which would have totted up to a grand total of £45 each to see the three exhibitions we would have greatly liked to have seen. Has an excess of two things for me. Peculiar nudes and bodily functions.

Yes, great artists see it a great necessity to capture moments such as farting and weeing on canvas for the world to see. Why Picasso? It was not on my bucket list to see any woman fart or wee. Let alone at the same time, let alone a slightly podgy one with her nose in the wrong place! There was also a painting of a man with a champagne glass reclining on a couch with a very smug look on his face as if to say 'yes, this is my penis, enjoy.' What disturbs me is that this was a painting of that particular artist's student! I think he was holding a champagne glass. Maybe my mind slipped that in, just to add a touch of class to that most peculiar painting.

After being informed among other things that a cart represented a goat and that several lumps of what I can only describe as poo were actually representations of primordial animals. I think primordial, primeval maybe? Those animals which became bigger animals because of evolution. Don't say I'm not informative. Anyway after seeing all these things and as our meanings of paintings became better and better, I had an idea. I think that under every painting in any gallery there should be a little notebook, and on that notebook an art-enthusiast can record his or her own meaning of the painting. Then I would collect all this information in a book and I'd get rich. But still, capitalist ideas aside I think this is a good idea. I find it very interesting to hear what other people think of art, be it paintings, books, films or indeed anything created by someone else.

Needless to say our favourite part of the gallery was the giftshop. Me and Amy got pens in the shape of pencils! I kid you not! The rubber is the clicker and a pen nib comes out of the front! Our minds were more than blown. I wanted so many books though, I really wish that the Tate Modern shop was my library and I could just sit in there all day flicking through books on modernism getting increasingly more confused yet intelligent. 

If I reached any conclusion as I was strolling round having a laugh with my friends about art, it was this:

I think art should be difficult, I don't like paintings which show just a grey blob. Or not even a blob, just a canvas painted the one shade of grey. I think art should show some degree of talent. Not something I can do on microsoft paint *cough* Kandinsky *cough*. People might disagree with me, please do via the comments bit, I just think if there's a message you want to communicate via a painting, fine, just do it in such a way which shows a bit of talent. Look at Picasso! You wouldn't call his work the most difficult looking but I'd defy any unartistic person to replicate a Picasso to the same standard.

I decided though that I have two favourite artists to add to my list which only included Van Gogh up to that moment. The first is Patrick Caulfield who Jocy showed us at the Tate Britain on a previous adventure. I think he just makes art in a very interesting way, half cartoony and half realist. I also like Magritte, no Matisse, no Magritte, the 'Ceci n'est pas un pipe' one. I like confusing myself and to be able to say 'a representation of a representation of a representation' in circles of upper class people before running away twiddling my moustache and cackling as my new identity as 'the Confuser' appeals only too much to me. Oo I could have a cape with a question mark on it.

See the cape did have a point.

Patrick Caulfield - After Lunch:

Rene Magritte - Ceci n'st pas une pipe:

I feel I should explain why I like Magritte's paintings so much. This one in particular, people would say 'it's a pipe' but it's not a pipe, it's a representation of a pipe. I hope this impresses people as much as it impresses me. I think it's a stage of postmodernism. There can be a painting of an easel looking out of a window with a painting of the view through the window. Of course there is no view through the window because it's a representation of a window, therefore the painting in the painting is a representation of a representation, and then the whole painting is actually a representation of this whole confusing extravaganza. I'm going to go and do some painting.

My friends Jocy and Amy are amazing vloggers on youtube, I'd highly recommend giving them a watch:

Jocy - http://www.youtube.com/user/AccioJellyBean

Amy - http://www.youtube.com/user/amzyydoodles

I Contradict this Snobbism or 'David Tries Blobbery'

I really hate snobbery.

I could end it there really, it'd be the shortest blog ever but heavens to Betsy it would get my point across!

Who was this Betsy woman by the way? If you have any ideas or answers a cheeky little comment would be much appreciated!

But anyway, snobbery. On the plane back from Spain a couple of days ago, I was having a chat with my friend Ryan about it and during the chat I wondered what the opposite to it was. The feeling of looking back up at the people who look down their noses at you. I've experienced snobbery on many occasions in my life. Instances jump out at me in the past few months and I've come to find the worst kind of snobbery comes out of the blue.

When I went to the London Book Fair for example, the amount of people, in their clean cut, boring coloured suits who would look down their noses at me was off the scale. I was just wearing a Rolling Stones T-shirt and some green chinos because following the crowd is fun.

It's strange that you can even experience snobbery for doing things like that. I like chinos! Well maybe that's a bad example, I don't like them as much as I did, I started to get the impression I was dressing like a member of One Direction and immediately found some jeans. I especially reject chinos and indeed any long trousered leg shielding device during this mini heatwave we're now having in England. See Mr Cameron! Drought! This is what it feels like.

Anyway Ryan and I discovered there was no word for those of us who looked back up the noses of judgement. I'd like to suggest blobbery because it sounds funny, but it has nothing to do with chubbiness so maybe it needs rethinking. But anyway, snobs come in all shapes and sizes and it's strange to me that while it may have been at some point, it has nothing to do with class distinctions.

Class interests me in a big way, and I'll always jump on such a question if it's one of my chosen eight in an English exam. It's why I really love George Orwell and have many differently covered copies of 1984. It is a love of Orwell which has subjected me to my subject on many an occasion. As an English student I feel as though (from my experiences of talking to snobs) that my favourite author should be someone like Gabriel Garcia Marquez or someone equally nichéy. Orwell, due to the unfortunate fact that Animal Farm and 1984 are on GCSE and lower school syllabuses, people would view my favourite author with a certain degree of 'oh you haven't really tried have you.'

I contradict this snobbism. Why shouldn't my favourite writer be one who writes deeply interesting stories and essays in such a way which is easy for the reader to pick up. I love that you can see Orwell's thought process as he writes. I love how the books are clearly great stories but also hold another intellectual level to them. I always disagree when a book is just the message and not the story. I'd also say my other favourite authors are Anthony Horowitz and John Green. Snobbery would probably dictate that they're 'below my level' or something equally ridiculous. I dare you to read a John Green book and not come out seeing the world in a slightly different, improved light. The clever thing which always amazes me about a book and I've more than likely said it before, is that the reader can get different things out of it depending on who they are. 1984 epitomizes this. Look how many other books cite 1984 as their main influence. I bought 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami purely based on the fact that I thought it might have something a bit Orwellian about it. (1Q84 - 1q84 - 1984) And also Waterstones and Amazon kept on recommending it to me.

I'm useless at ignoring consumer advice. Or shop assistant advice. It's not even advice it's just sneaky and aimed at poor susceptible people like me. I was in Subway the other day for instance and I was being good, I only got a 6", but right before I paid the shop assistant asked me 'do you want three cookies for 99p?' And I stopped, briefly considered before replying, 'yeah I do actually!' I'm useless, if a shop assistant offers me something I'll more than likely accept. Maybe it's a British thing.

But anyway snobbery. The one that really gets me is music snobbery. Musical prescriptivism gets right on my tits to coin a phrase from my cockney heritage. Obviously everyone likes different things, but it's people who tell other people, as Dara O'Briain says 'don't listen to these sounds in your ears, they are the wrong sounds, you must listen to these sounds.' And I'm 100% with Dara there, why should I listen to those sounds? I'm perfectly happy here listening to Keane and while I may not personally like Tinie Tempah for example, I wouldn't go and say someone should stop listening to Mr Tempah in favour of Keane. I am willing to give things a try, and I'd hope people would do the same because Keane are bloomin' great. I love expanding my musical horizons, and if I'm honest I'll always go backwards into musical history to get something new. I absolutely love the blues for instance. You know you get those singers whose voice or playing guitar or whatever they may be doing with music really seems to connect with you. Maybe it's just me being all romantic and silly but when I listen to Eric Clapton I go into a bit of a zen mode and I might have some sort of epiphany or idea. I don't know what it is about particular musicians which do this. I hope other people experience this. If you do then please leave a comment, nice to know I'm that little bit less weird if there's two of us! Also comment to recommend me music! I'm always looking for more stuff. Particularly modern stuff. Anything but metal, just don't get it! Actually no, even metal, turn me, I'm really easily convinced.

It's all part of my personal world view that people should be able to like/do/love/be whatever they so desire. I really don't like the feeling of being judged for the way I choose to live my life. Because I like living my life and I'm really proud of what I'm doing with it. I don't think it's very human to think that you're somehow better than someone else just because of the things you like. I do believe you can be a better person in but one way, and that's treating other people nicely. I'm really honestly not paraphrasing a bible quote there. That comes from me, and that's the conclusion I've arrived at over recent times. Really, it's the only important thing and I think snobbery is a big old contradiction of claiming to try and do that.

So snobs, stop it.

See I've just had an idea for a book. Thank you Keane.

This Blog Might Break Your Head, I Apologise or 'David Tries Being Intellectual'

As the title clearly states, this blog may well break your head, so for this I must apologise sincerely. I include this as a disclaimer at the beginning to save me from any libellous cases involving brains falling out of your noses to escape the realm of mindfuckery I'm about to embark into.

Oh no I swore, should I swear? I don't see a particular problem with swearing personally as long as children know, that like drinking, driving, sex and everything else a bit fun in the world, it is age appropriate. However I would like younger people to read this. So I'll change it to mindfickery. You know what I mean.

A third blog in three days! I'm on a roll, and as before it's not because I've physically left my house and tried anything new. I suppose I've just tried a new way of thinking about something as I sit here musing in the morning about life the universe and everything, as is my usual routine. I've recently been doing some reading for my dissertation, which concerns the literary canon. (The collection of books which educated professor like folk deem it necessary to be taught in schools, Shakespeare, Austen, Aristotle etc) My thinking being, is this necessary and what attributes in books qualify them to be added to it. By the way, that's all approved and kosher, no stealsies.

What a power trip! Imagine being the guy that chose that! I won't go into my own dissertation topic, otherwise I'd probably be in danger of plagiarising myself. Imagine failing university because you plagiarised yourself, the ultimate shooting self in foot/peeing into wind/slapping self in face. Indeed the ultimate form of any unpleasant, embarrassing activity.

I don't think I'd be a good canon chooser, or Lord of Literature or whatever they call themselves. The power would go to my head. I'd start adding 'We're Going on a Bear Hunt' to be studied at university level as post-colonialist literature. The bear is the foreign other which must be hunted and we're not scared! At all times is must be noted that the native people must catch a big one, meaning that they must exorcise the largest foreign influence from their nation before it takes over in a country-wide bear epidemic. It'd be like Planet of the Bears and they'd store honey in the Statue of Liberty. Honey being our identity.

I've gone off on one. But my surreal rant does paint a picture of what I actually want to talk about. It is frightening that little old me, sitting in my living room, watching Friends in my dressing gown, superman trousers and bed hair, could think up a completely fabricated reading of a children's book that thousands of children read ever day. What if I did become a Lord of Literature, Master of the Canon and I decided that 'We're Going on a Bear Hunt' was post colonialist literature, and was a warning about foreign influences. Maybe it was a 1984-esque foreshadowing of middle eastern terrorism encroaching on our shores. Now that's a complete load of rubbish, but if I had enough people behind me and enough teachers and lecturers teaching the same thing, this idea, this anti-foreign people idea could be planted in the minds of the next generation of children. All because of this charming story of bravery by Michael Rosen.

This is a scary idea. And I'm afraid I must refer again to the vlogbrothers. While watching John Green's vlog on people's perception of Islam this morning something clicked in my head. He said that we are taught about Christianity and Judaism, but our teaching on Islam is limited at best. He didn't say this, but surely this means that Islam is an easy target for people to fear and victimise. Because we don't understand it, as is an unfortunate trait of our own humanity. John also said that we are taught in schools that 'our history' is the story of christianity in europe, whereas our actual history is a history of people in the world. The idea of religion and different sects of the big old confusing cookie jar of life that is religion.

Now I've always been a straight chocolate chip man, and the trying of any other cookie was a fearful image for me. The very thought of a white chocolate chip and macadamia?? Madness. But I tried it, and god it's good. I hope you see my metaphor. I'm not saying try other religions, or indeed try no religion at all, but I'm saying, full understanding is the key to everything. How many arguments in the world, big or small, from playground to nuclear war, are based around one or both sides not having full understanding of the other. I'd be willing to bet most of them.

Picture the scene, nameless London suburb, street corner, Cherise and Tiffani are having an argument in their tracksuits because Cherise is squeezing Tiffani's boyfriend Jorel (who is Irish and his name is actually Seamus) for money for child support for their baby, Kai. Tiffani has no idea that Jorel fathered Cherise's baby so she hits Cherise because she thinks that she just wants a slice of her boyfriend's Irish ass. If everyone in the situation understood, and didn't lie to one another, things could probably be sorted out.

Ok that humorous, hideously stereotyped picture is a bit silly but I think it illustrates my point. We're not lied to in schools exactly by saying that our history comes just from Christianity, but a certain level of the truth is withheld. I know why, someone upstairs has deemed it too complicated to teach the youth of the world that our existence is multi-faceted, complicated and ultimately mindfickery.

There are a certain amount of factors against my argument. John Green for instance was more than likely talking about American schools. I do not know the level to which we are taught about Islam in this country, because I'm old and can't remember. However if this is true of american schools, then surely recent history has taught us that understanding of the Islamic faith is nothing short of vital to the education of young American minds.

The fact that the educational canon is limited is a flawed and dangerous idea. The fact that anything can be taught in a certain way with the right amount of twist and backing is a terrifying idea. In my view, the literary canon is in some way necessary. Personally I read the likes of Shakespeare and then went on to look at others around him which aren't necessarily taught at schools. Because I like reading and it interests me. In schools though, where things like religion are concerned I think full understanding is completely and utterly vital. I could argue about the whole teaching evolution vs teaching the story of Adam and Eve thing but I could go on forever and people will stop reading. You get my point though I hope.

In short, understanding things before we rush off and argue about them is so important to the human race.

I hope all of that made some form of sense, and if you'd like to comment on anything I've said, please do, I'd love to hear what you think.

John Green's vlog: http://youtu.be/TpcbfxtdoI8

I'd Like to Call Him Tony Stark or Mr Weasley or 'David Tries Being Opinionated'

Alright I didn't actually technically try anything new for this blog. Being a bit naughty I know, but hey, it's raining (again *) so I thought I'd communicate a thought I had this morning.

I often think about the future. Most of the time nowadays this involves all of the pointless, expensive things I would like to have but unfortunately do not possess the money to attain. The things I'd like to have aren't always so superficial. Recently as a previous blog mentioned (David Tries Being Productive) I've had a renewed thirst for gaining knowledge. It might be to do with watching the vlogs of Hank and John Green on Youtube. If you've not read the novels of John Green then I'm sorry you must, get your bottom to Waterstones, skip whatever work/school/day you had planned and have a read. He is one of the best writers on earth in my opinion and I will very much enjoy Looking for Alaska which I've saved for my upcoming holiday. The brothers live far apart and communicate with a vlog a week to each other. These vlogs are not only hilarious and celebratory of the existence of nerds and geeks and everything in between, but I find them very thought provoking.

Hank's last one for instance was about the recent controversy about states in America making gay marriage illegal. I'll leave a link to Hank's vlog at the end because he can communicate his thought's a lot better than me. I'll give it a go though.

Who decides that someone can't be who they are? That's just Nazi if you ask me. There are so many ridiculous arguments against being gay and I cannot understand the thought processes behind them. Arguments like 'it's unnatural' and 'it'll devalue the idea of straight marriage.' How and how? Natural is what people do with their lives, everything is natural because we are natural, and people are gay so gay is natural. There, take that nay-sayers, logic defies hate. Unnatural behaviour if you ask me is killing someone, that's unnatural, mugging someone of their livelihood, that's unnatural. Hating against someone for what they believe and love, that's unnatural. And devaluing straight marriage? Because celebrities getting married only to divorce five minutes later doesn't do that.

And the biggest thing which people say is 'God hates gay people.' I'll save my personal religious views for another day. Lets just say I'm not affiliated with any religion in particular, I believe in something but not in a conventional sense. Agnostic if you want to label me I guess. I have looked in the Bible though, and at the passages people interpret as anti-gay, and they're so flimsy it's ridiculous. I'm not insulting a religion, please don't think I'd do that, but I don't like people interpreting things to breed hate. Tell me, what's the difference between this and people interpreting the Qu'ran to blow up a building? I DO NOT question anyone's right to believe in anything, or indeed a right to believe in nothing. I question the sense in doing this to a so-called holy text to contradict the big message a little later in the same text. 'Treat one another as you would like to be treated.' How would you like it if the government made being straight illegal?

I apologise I'm getting on my high horse. I do have views though, and I'm not having a moan, well I am. I just think hating is nonsensical and predominantly an occupation of nasty small minded people. In David's world we would be able to like what we like, believe in what we believe and love who we love. It really annoys me when we as the human race appear to take a step backwards towards achieving this equality which everyone, hater or not apparently strives to achieve.

Now liking what we like, that's what I really wanted to talk about today. I hope I won't now devalue what I've just said. Maybe it's good, normal service has been resumed. I guess I did try something new today then! Communicating views like one of those proper blog people. I feel like I've been initiated.

Anyway, as I was saying before I was distracted, and it supports my mini-rant in a way, being knowledgable and understanding things is celebrated by the vlogbrothers, and I certainly aspire to be like them. Reading books on modernism for instance for one of my modules next year is something that I complained about only about a year ago, but now can't get enough of! I want to talk about people like Jaques Derrida and Jean Beaudrillard with conviction and knowledge behind me. And it makes me very happy when someone like John Green refers to someone like that in a vlog and I know who they are. If you don't know who they are I urge you to do a bit of research. Especially Beaudrillard, if you like artsy stuff in any way shape or form I think you'll find it interesting. Look up his 'four stages of postmodernism,' it'll leave you confused but enlightened at the same time! Or maybe I'll blog about it in the future. Actually I think I will, stay tuned!

What I really wanted to talk about today, which seems a bit unimportant now, was my perfect image of my future that I had this morning. It includes me sitting in a library in my future house. I've always wanted a library. One with big windows overlooking fields and trees and shelves groaning with books with rolling ladders. But not just books, I'm secretly obsessed with comic books.

Well not really secretly. It's something else I've noticed in thinking about our right to be who we are, and watching vlogbrothers that I have a right to like what I like in life and be proud of it. I went through school being downtrodden and mocked for wanting to learn things and for being a nerd, and it was this that broke me a little bit and why I'm only regaining my confidence with myself now. I'm glad I have, because I can now say, 'yeah I'm a geek' and 'yeah I go to bed reading Spider-man and Tintin.' I love comics, I think they're hugely under-appreciated. I recently went to see the Avengers with Stu which might have spurred on my love for them somewhat.

I just think, as a story writer myself, the fact that these writers and artists can keep stories going for literally thousands of issues, drawing on all corners of sci-fi and fantasy is amazing. How they keep on thinking of fresh ideas every week is admirable and aspirational and I'd love to emulate them in my own writing life.

Therefore in my library with my rolling ladders I want a whole stack of comic books all lined up in order because I'm a bit OCD with shelving. Not just comics though, I've recently taken the dive off the musically intellectual high board. This might sound poncy and pretentious, but I've recently been trying to get into classical music and I intend to move onto opera. I was inspired by Britain's Got Talent believe it or not. You might have seen it, look up 'Jonathan Does Opera' on youtube and you'll find him. He sang Opera with his girlfriend Charlotte on BGT and I was completely and utterly blown away. He was singing in a different language but he brought an emotional response out of me. So I'm now very interested in exploring the classical strand of music. I really want to go to the Royal Opera House wearing a suit (because you have to) and feel jolly well clever.

So I want lots of records of classical music. I might have mentioned it before, I collect LPs, I just love them. I love all things classic really! That's why I write with a fountain pen. But records I think are special. First of all they baffle me. How do they make sound?? They're grooves in a bit of plastic! And the sound's far and away better than any other way of listening to music. I'm sure others who know the difference between speakers would argue, but to my ears vinyl is best.

And also I'd like some Burt Bacharach and Bob Fox, an amazing folk singer I discovered in Warhorse. Bacharach though is because of Mr Gallagher's influence. I defy you to go listen to 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' and not smile. So I want records in my dream library, and a gramophone to play them on. I can read my comics with my music with a nice cup of tea and a packet of bourbon biscuits.

Then I could do some writing and read some books on theories of stuff and paint a picture. Tell me that doesn't sound like a perfect hate-free place to be?

I also want a hamster, he can roll around in a little hamster ball and keep me happy. I'm easily pleased. He'll either be called Tony Stark or Mr Weasley I haven't decided yet.

That's right ladies, all of this is single.

If you'd like to comment on anything then there's a box made just for you below this post! Or if you'd really like, give me an email as my super-special email account just for my readers. OhBloggingHell@hotmail.co.uk.

* Today is the 14th May 2012 and the weather outside looks like this:

According to the good people in our government here in Great Britain, this is called a drought. I know, we voted for them. Oh wait... **

** I do understand that we are only technically in a 'drought' because last year we had a really low rainfall and as a result of this the water levels we have to use have to be brought back up again. Therefore we have to be thrifty with our water usage. But still! Is it that hard to give this particular situation another name? This is quite clearly not a drought. A drought is something I associate with sun and hot and sand and the start of Order of the Phoenix! We thought of a name for Twitter we can think of a new name for this!! Watergate! Oh no that's a thing. Droughtgate? Oh that doesn't really solve the issue. I'll get on it.

Hank's vlog about gay rights: http://youtu.be/PD-INsIbVcw