26 Simple Changes or 'David Tries Being the Head of FIFA'

After this morning's sacking of David Moyes, I've decided that the news in football has become repetetive and boring and things need to change. How many times do we wake up and find that yet another manager has been sacked, or that a player has dived, cheated on their wife or just been paid the combined wages of a small country?

In reaction to this, I've decided to take over the job as the head of FIFA and compile a list of things that I believe would improve the beautiful game. Enjoy.

1. There should be a season where fans are hired as managers. Just for a laugh.
2. All players should be fitted with those electric shock buzzers, to be used at the opposition manager's discretion. Once per game.
3. There should be an option to make the game more interesting after 3 goals are conceded depending on which manager presses a big red button first. This should include swapping the ball either for an exercise-ball, or a ping pong ball. Hilarity ensues.
4. Once per game, a manager can initiate a rule that gets rid of offside for 3 minutes. Problem is, this works for both teams...
5. Players who feign injury should be shot. If it works for horses it can work for them.
6. Performance pay decided by fans. If they play well, we can give them a thumbs up and they earn a pound. Let's end world poverty and put the money in sport to better use. (This goes for all sports not just football)
7. Draws should be settled by either Pub Quiz, or alternatively to add a bit of showbiz, and to get more of Philip Schofield on television, a round of The Cube.
8. We invent a Golden Snitch and rules work the same as Quidditch.
9. Come to think of it, why don't we just invent Quidditch?
10. If that doesn't work, I think Bludgers are an excellent idea.
11. 0-0 after 85 minutes? Release the lions.
12. Bit strong? Release those monkeys that pull windscreen wipers off cars at Longleat.
13. Bring back Gladiators. Complete with Ulrika and the Fash. Not really related to football, this should just happen. Classic Gladiators, not that rubbish copy they spat out a couple of years back.
14. Come to think of it, why not combine rule number 13 with rule number 3? Managers have to complete the Eliminator and can win the game for their team.
15. Players who sneak up the touchline on a throw in should be punished by having a person following them around the pitch for the remainder of the game, flicking them on the back of the ears.
16. Women's football should be put on TV. High time for equality.
17. Red Card? Why not Bush Tucker Trial?
18. A football player cheats on their partner? Must play remainder of the season wearing a tutu.
19. All players and managers must honour their contracts, if they or the board want to break it, see rule 14.
20. Still a draw after 90 minutes and The Cube? Dance off. Everybody wins.
21. Commentators should be fans of the two teams playing.
22. On one seat in the stadium is a golden ticket. That lucky person can replace any player on the pitch and cannot be substituted.
23. All seats in the stadium should be replaced with sofas. We pay enough for tickets.
24. Man of the match gets a little crown to wear next game. On the other hand, the worst player of the match must play their following fixture in their pants. Old school PE style.
25. FIFA apology rules apply. Everything from: 5-0 defeat? Grovelling apology on Facebook to 20-0 defeat? Letter of apology to the Queen for awful play.
26. And last but by no means least. The referee should be armed with a cattle prod, mainly to keep John Terry quiet.

Naturally all suggestions are welcome. I believe these are 26 simple steps by which we can fix the game we all know and love.

This is why I shouldn't be left alone in the mornings.