A Fancy Way of Saying Not Much or 'David Tries Being a Third Year'

Well internet, I'm annoyed.

And I'll tell you for why. I'd call him JJ, but that unfortunately makes him sound cool, and in my opinion, so far, he is not. I am talking about the so-called master wordsmith James Joyce.

I'll be honest, I'm 40 pages into the 900 page leviathan confuse-athon and so far I am just that. Confused isn't the word, I may be confuzzled to say the least. My lecturer said to me in a meeting with him, that it was his personal opinion that Modernism (and James Joyce is the main flag-bearer for that particular critical theory) was a fancy way of saying not much at all. And I'm inclined to agree.

I understand modernism, I understand the movement to create new ways to tell stories. Without modernism we wouldn't have Catcher in the Rye, or Dracula, two stories told in ways which were previously unheard of. Catcher in the Rye, like Ulysses, the book I am struggling through, written in a stream of consciousness way, Dracula written as a series of letters and diary entries. A style which I found gripping and interesting, and it's why these are two of my favourite books.

Ulysses though. It makes me angry! Joyce makes so many claims as though they're gospel truth. And I understand why he writes, as in to get people to think about things, namely irish home rule and British imperialism at its time of writing, but this is hidden amongst so many other subplots and asides it's almost impossible to keep up with. In the first page alone I was confronted with three different ideals and preachy statements concerning religion, a quest for paternity and something else which my brain can't even start to remember. The only way these themes were brought to my attention was by consulting the notes.

'Stately, plumb Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and razor lay crossed. A yellow dressing gown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him by the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned: - Introibo ad altare Dei'

Would anyone like to guess what you're supposed to get from those opening lines to this book? Just a man having a leisurely stroll down the stairs to have a shave. Why he's so lazy he hasn't even done up his dressing gown? That crazy mo-fo.

While this is happening in the story, I am suppose to ignore this point, i.e. what is actually happening. Instead I'm supposed to remark on the crossed mirror and razor which makes a mockery of the Catholic church and the catholic mass as he creates a mock worship in his shaving routine. Therefore there's a distinct anti-religion theme. I'm supposed to take his ungirdled dressing down as to meaning that he's walking down the stairs naked, as in, displaying his penis. His ease with which he displays his penis is mean to represent his affinity with Neitzsche's Superman, the übermensch. The ideal representation of how a man should be. This is meant to lead me to the two main character's quest for their paternity, though Stephen Dedalus has not even been introduced to us yet. Then there's something else of importance about the fact that he used Latin frivilously. I can't remember because I can't fit anything else in my head.

That was six lines!

And sure, you can say 'but David, you're an English student, you're supposed to do this to any book.' And I'd agree, and I love doing it, but not to every single line, to a series of completely unrelated preachy points. I disagree with preachiness on all levels. My dissertation is centred mainly around this point. I dislike being told what to believe and what is good literature. I don't think this is good literature. I don't think good literature should include a vital notes section without which you miss the point of the book. And the notes are extensive. As in about 300 pages worth. 300 pages explaining the incomprehensible words in this stupid book!

I like finding the meaning in things, and I think it's impressive that so much can be put into a book. But is any of it necessary? Did I need to have all of this shoved down my throat by James Joyce? I don't think so. I think you get much much more from books written by John Green. I mention John Green a lot in my blogs and in life in general and there's a reason for that. His skill is to create a fantastic story with gripping characters which you can read in a day because you literally can't put his books down. You feel like any moment you're not reading his book is a moment wasted. When I pick up Ulysses, with a veritable groan I feel my heart sinking as I know that in about half an hour's time I'm going to have a headache and then find that I've only progressed 3 pages.

Interesting characters are vitally important to literature. I personally find it interesting to see the author through his characters. And what I see through the high and mighty, douchebag that is Buck Mulligan, and the reserved 'perfect man' that is Stephen Dedalus is the two sides of James Joyce, neither of which I like. Both of them preaching in their own ways.

It's an interesting story that books used to be sealed, and you had to break each new page as you progressed through the book. The vast majority of copies of Ulysses which have been found from it's time of publication were not broken in beyond page 50. As in no one could get through it. Did they miss out? I don't think so. They probably went and read Dracula, had a thumping good read, and then if  they wanted they learnt some really interesting and vital points about feminism and other things contained importantly within pages, which, insultingly at the time was seen as 'Tesco's Top Ten' literature. The 50 Shades of Grey of its day. And yes, times change, but really, 50 Shades of Grey is a steaming pile of horse manure. Dracula is a really good book. And yes that's my opinion. However I wouldn't be high and mighty enough to say without doubt that every person in the world must read Dracula. I highly recommend you give it a try but I don't think anything is vital literature. Least of all Ulysses.

So now I struggle on, because I must read about why James Joyce believes that boys playing sports and learning Classics in England led to World War One.

I shit you not. Page 41, here I come. *waves flag of sarcasm*

My Skinny Leg Attire is At the Ready or 'David Tries Being an Actual Author Person'

Well, I've arrived.

Authortown, Writer's Junction, Wordsmith Boulevard. No Green Day, my boulevard is one of intact dreams.

Alright I've not yet but I will be very very soon. I spoke a bit last time about my dislike of the Amazon conglomerate. I am a huge hypocrite because I use Amazon, a great deal in fact. So much that I'm even a member of Amazon Prime. So if you need anything delivered tomorrow for free I'm your man.

However, while I do use the shopping cart of evil, I purchase some things elsewhere. Books for instance I buy in bookshops because, as a writer I feel a personal affiliation to the writers of the books and the booksellers themselves. I would much rather give Waterstones and John Green my money than Amazon and Jeff Bezos, owner of Amazon (and John Green still) my money.

That's the sickening thing though. If I go on the Amazon marketplace to buy The Fault in Our Stars, for a cut price, which I can easily do, John Green; writer one of the best books I have ever read, gets none of my money. Only the seller does. It's like someone buying a concert ticket and selling it on. It just doesn't sit right with me. Alright, there's only one book, so there's only one percentage of money up for grabs, so in a round about way John Green has been paid for his excellent work, and I get my book. But so does the money spinning giant with the monopoly on everything.

That's why I don't like Amazon, it doesn't care about what's on it. It's only out for money. I would like to think, the owner of a chain of bookshops, by definition cares a little bit about books, therefore I would rather purchase my words scribbled on delightful scented paper from them.

On another note when are Yankee Candles going to do a 'new book' scent? Get your finger out Yankee Candles.

The reason why I'm talking about this again is that this morning, on watching an Alex Day (Nerimon) video, I was inspired to go it alone in the publishing world. Gradually over the past few months, I've grown to appreciate Youtube for what it actually is. The perfect site for creation. It is built on user created content. Yes there are clips of films and music and other things, but the basis of it is a place where a person, say you or me, can get hold of a camera, be it a cheap webcam or a camera worth many monies, can click record and create whatever we like. Alex Day makes music, and got to number 4 in the UK charts at Christmas last year. No record label, nothing like that.

I am convinced independent is the future. I do agree with John Green on the book side of things, self-published books can go wrong. If a book has been looked over by a large number of people, and the authors themselves though, I think self-publishing a book is just the same as Alex Day self-producing excellent music for people's ears. I want to create stories for people's eyes.

I have become disheartened and annoyed with the publishing industry. I have been told by two separate  publishing institutions (an agency and a publisher) more or less that my book is fantastic. However, for the most ridiculous reasons my book is not sat on a shelf in Waterstones. The publisher said I was two young and the agency basically (I think) couldn't be bothered. They said that my book is a thriller/sci-fi/ humour. First of all I disagree with the humour. My book has humour in it, it's not of the humour genre. This was her reasoning for not wanting to take it on.

Therefore I thought, why should I listen to these people when there exists on the internet, this wonderful land of sharing and creation, the tools to self publish my work. So I give you ibooks and the Kindle Store.

Ah the Amazon link, see I was going somewhere.

I had a dialemma. If I put my book on the Kindle Store for money, Mr Bezos gets a slice of my pie. My pie is tasty and I don't share it with people I don't like. Mr Bezos is on my list. However he has the sharing platform for books, and to ignore it would be foolish of me. Therefore I came up with a plan. I have a vlog on Youtube, I hope to get a following on the site. And I believe in the community. I believe that as a group of creative people, the Youtubers can accomplish anything they set their minds to. It's beating the system in a wonderfully poetic and fist-pumpingly awesome way. That's why my book will be available for nothing on the Kindle Store. You can get my 300 pages of story, for free. And I really hope you'll like it.

I hate to be big-headed, to assume that my work should be one of those things. I'm not saying it will be, all I want to do is try. And try again with something better if something fails. But then what is failure? If one person buys my book, and it helps them in whatever small way, I would call my words on their computer screen a 100% roaring success. Who says that number of sales = success? Alright loads of people. But not me, that's not important to me. Ok it's my dream of making a living out of this, which is why I'll be putting my book on sale for money on ibooks.

But David! I hear you cry. Apple are as big a company as Amazon, if not bigger! Why are you giving them money. And the answer, first and foremost is my self-professed Apple-whore status. I own every Apple product save for the ipad and imac. Although I do have plans to own them in the future. I love Apple products. I love itunes, I love everything about them. That's my preference, and it might seem narrow-minded of me to chose them over personal preference but is it? Apple, in my opinion monopolise electronic items and sale. But that's their right as an electronics company. Amazon on the other hands, like Tescos are trying to monopolise everything. From books, to music, to paddling pools, to sweets, to clothes to everything else ever created by man. I do not want to walk down a street singularly composed of these two signs. However having one Apple store every now and again just shows a bloomin' successful company who are good at what they do. Which is why my book will be for sale for actual money on the ibooks store. Not for a full book price because I'm nice, but for sale nevertheless.

But David!

You again? What now?

Why would people buy your book when they can get it for free?

Well, I would like to think, that people like to contribute to the creator's work. Thousands of people download for music for free and buy the albums they actually like or believe in. I therefore am offering my work for free, so people can then, if they so desire, and only if they desire, go and buy my book and give me a little bit of money for my trouble. Maybe it's a hippy way to do this but I believe in people, and I would! I download nothing for free, I don't believe in it at all, and I love the idea of giving something away in one place and asking people to contribute if they like.

I very much hope it works. Maybe it's pie in the sky and I don't know if it'll work for me. I just want to find out if people like my work. If they do there will be a sequel, and another after that, and then several standalone novels I have plans for. I want people to read the words I've written so why not give it to them? If they go and buy it too, then wehey! Top notch, my thanks can never be expressed in words thankful enough. So I'll express my thanks with another book you can get for free if you so choose. Hopefully you'll like that one too and come back for more.

I would like to also make the point that because profit margins are better for authors when you self-publish. Whatever 'extra' money I'd receive by self-publishing would go to the 'This Star Won't Go Out' foundation. I think definitely the most worthy cause I can think of. http://tswgo.org/

This is my plan, to be an indie author. My skinny leg attire is at the ready.