You've Added 'Final Frontier' to Basket. Proceed to Checkout? or 'David Tries Space Journalism'

            And so readers, once again I find myself compelled to voice an opinion. This cloudy Sunday afternoon I look to the skies and can’t make out the cosmos spread above me. Regardless, recent weeks have been full to bursting with exciting news from space.

            Let's examine the evidence. Chris Nolan, a writing idol of mine, releases Interstellar, a film I’m yet to see but am told is ‘amazing’ ‘a clever blockbuster’ ‘too full of science.’ Scratch that last one. But still, whatever you think of Nolan’s work, Interstellar is released with its finger on the pulse. On the big red button that I’m absolutely certain is all you need to launch a rocket.

            And here we have the crux of my argument. We have the pioneer: ‘Philae the Bouncing Robot’ – beautifully christened by The Sunday Times, and the entrepreneur– beardy Branson and his space tourism disaster.

            First of all, can I just give my own congratulations to every man, woman, child, dog, cat, amoeba involved with the Rosetta project. Too often these days we’re lambasted with what I like to call ‘non-news.’ I don’t like Ed Milliband this and Kardashian’s arse is photoshopped that. We watch endless repeats of the same 5 episodes of The Big Bang Theory on E4 and spend our evenings deciding which social media site is best suited to wile away the hours.

            Philae is a beacon of hope in all that pointless sludge. This is not an attack on the pointless sludge. I’m a member of all these sites, can do a fairly good impression of Howard’s mum and will be tuning in to a reality triple bill tonight with ‘The X-Come Dancing Factor–Get Me Out of Here!’ We have this stuff to get through the day. To laugh, chat, complain at Louis Walsh and just for a second forget the stress of modern life. Stress used very lightly here – first world and all.

            But the first world landed a robot on a comet. With the precision of ‘throwing a dart at North America from 19 miles up in the atmosphere and balancing it on the pin point of the Empire State Building,’ to once again quote The Sunday Times.

            We can do amazing things, and it was a travesty that the landing wasn’t televised in some way. We could have had our ‘one giant leap for mankind’ moment to tell the grandkids.

            And then you have space tourism. I read an article by Caitlin Moran yesterday who said Manhattan was great for the reason that we built it simply because we could. Not for the need, or the beauty, or by decree, but because we had the money, the talent and the desire. So we built a metropolis on an island. And it’s for this reason that part of me respects Branson and Virgin Galactic. Because why not?

            Then I thought of a reason. How many of us will go on Branson’s version of Thunderbird 2 when it’s up and running? Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Brand and Stephen Hawking were three names on a list of current ticket holders. And who deserves to see that view of earth in all its majesty? Well I don’t think it’s the dandy anarchist and I don’t think he was in Titanic either. 1 out of 3 is probably the ratio of the deserved/rich on that plane.

            Call me a curmudgeon, but I believe space should be earned. Astronauts train for years, decades for the privilege. They push themselves to the limits of human capability to accomplish world-defining experiments. We make baby steps in exploring and understanding our universe. Philae and the European Space Agency could prove that life on Earth was spawned from space - when a comet hit millions of years ago, gave a dry planet water and the amino acids that make up the building blocks of life.
            And then we have Russell Brand seeing the same view because someone at a desk thinks he’s good to put on TV for the same reason that Kim Kardashian showed us her nipples. Because people will look, people will fork out their money. I feel a slight injustice there.

            If I might, I will make a metaphor.

            I want a Times Atlas of the World. I love maps, I always have. There are few things that I enjoy more than sitting, reading, learning capital cities, seeing the shape of our earth recorded by men and women smarter than I. I could buy the book but it’s inordinately expensive and that defeats the object. The Times awards an atlas to the winner of its cryptic crossword competition, so I’ll earn the atlas. If I bought it, I’d be no better than Russell Brand.
            Sure, we can buy our place on a spaceship if we're rich enough, but should we really be part of plans like Branson's? Trying to commercialise the universe? Could this inordinate sum of money being used to paint a red Virgin stamp onto the vacuum of space not be used to support real space exploration? Or how about used to help people from below the first world join us in the privilege of the pointless sludge? Together with footballers wages and the long list of benefactors of misplaced wealth we could end this 1st, 2nd, 3rd world system and simply have a world. Too utopian? Probably, but if they can land on a comet...

            As a conclusion, I’ll give you two headlines, one real and one for the future:

            One Giant Step: Philae’s landing on a comet is the space era’s most astounding feat of navigation. Forget the critics – this is a positive leap for mankind.* 

            Poodle haired comedian does insensitive impression of scientist on space plane. Andrew Sachs sympathises.

            Who deserves space?



*Fantastic articles by Bryan Appleyard and Caitlin Moran, who I hope won't mind me using quotes