Anyone who has tried tackling this ridiculously generously proportioned church will know what I mean. To get to the top (since the elevator only takes you halfway) you have to climb a bazillion flights of tight staircases which twist and turn up through the dome. I have advice, if you're in any way claustrophobic, or if you're any fatter than the people who survive on 4 fried eggs from a packet of Haribo and a Wotsit a day from Supersize v Superskinny, stay at the bottom. The view's good but no one wants to get wedged in a basilica. I'll try and post some photos at the end of this blog to communicate the kind of caves more at home in films like 'The Descent', that me and my family were forced to traverse.
And then there was the top, and the view. Now the view was breathtaking, don't get me wrong. It's an interesting fact that the basilica is still the tallest building in Rome, not because of any rule or religious obligation, it just is and no one wants to build anything higher! I like little traditions and peculiarities like that. It is impressive standing looking out across the rooftops of Rome trying to take artistic photographs.
This however I found a challenge. The viewing platform at the top of St Peter's might as well be the Somme, or downtown Baghdad, or any number of frightfully unpleasant places. I mean no one died, which is a plus point for any holiday destination, but up at the top, it's absolute mayhem. The way up isn't controlled at all after the queue where you have to pay €7.50, probably to line old Pope Benni's pockets a bit more, and people are allowed to stay up there as long as they like. So people stay gawping at the view while yet more people come up behind them. And then there's no direction to go around the platform up there. It's round so any sensible person might suggest putting up a sign that says 'walk clockwise please' or 'stop shoving me' or 'these shoes are new, stop stepping on my toes'! In Italian of course. Therefore my experience up at the highest point in Rome was tarnished severely by this lack of organisation.
The Vatican is incredible though, I'd definitely recommend going. It was a recurring theme in Rome, everything's so big! The Vatican, the Pantheon, the Colisseum, wherever you are you constantly find yourself craning your neck to see some more intricate carvings or mosaics on the ceiling, or finding something yet more impressive to sit on the front of your 'my Roman Holiday' facebook album, which reminds me I still need to do. I took 600 photos! My poor iphone got very tired. I'd recommend the camera on the 4S though, I'm really rather proud of some of the photos I took! (see below to see if you agree!) It's a whole new level of amazing to think, when looking at a statue, or a mosaic, how long ago some of these things were made. It's especially mind blowing when you visit places like Pompeii, to look at things and think 'a Roman made that!' And especially amazing to think that these things survived Mount Vesuvius erupting. I'm not sure I agree with the bodies of people who died in the disaster being put on display in glass cases though, it's all a bit sad for my liking. And a bit rude, if I die tomorrow, number one on my list of wishes is to not be put on display in a glass case for tourists to gape at.
One other annoying thing about the otherwise amazing Vatican, was the Sistine Chapel. It's amazing, don't get me wrong (again), but I didn't really enjoy the way you get treated in there. Another interesting titbit of info, is that many moons ago Nikon bought the rights to the Michelangelo paintings on the ceilings and walls, and therefore you're not allowed to take photos. You get led into the chapel, pushed shoulder to shoulder like a herd of sheep, and get incrementally shouted at for so much as sneezing in the direction of a painting. It was all a bit Nazi for my liking! I did very much enjoy my trip to the Vatican though, I feel like all I've done is moan. I urge you to go and do all that's on offer! Take a guided tour though, we'd have got lost if we hadn't been guided round by a chirpy Lithuanian tour guide who looked like Meg Ryan.
So I tried many new things on my Roman Holiday. Where to start I ask myself! First of all, I was confronted on the very first night in our hotel, by a scary looking device which I'm sure unsettles many a holiday goer. A slightly worrying looking bowl-like object which sits in the corner of the bathroom just daring you to have a seat. I of course am talking about the dreaded bidet.
I felt as though I wouldn't have been doing my job as a trier of new things if I didn't give it a go. I'll spare you the details. However during my bidet adventure, many questions arose into my head as to what kind of numpty invented this ridiculous bit of plumbing. Ok how to deal with this delicately. What do you do? Are you meant to sit on the bowl? No thanks I'm not an animal! This leaves the only other option being hovering. Already the sweat was on my brow and to be honest it was adding a whole level of worry and stress to my bathroom experience that I really could have done without.
Then there's the using of the thing which is awkward in itself, then you're done. Now what? You're confronted with a very wet bottom yet you're still fully clothed hovering over a bathroom appliance. This is not where I wanted to be on my first night in Rome. A cleverer man might have seen this coming and brought a towel across the room with him to the bidet. But I was a bidet virgin I didn't know! So all in all not my favourite experience ever. Nobody wants to walk with their trousers around their ankles, it's well known to be the hardest thing anyone has ever had to do! And the wet bottom just added to this. My first failure of trying new things. It was bound to happen I suppose. Maybe I tried too much too soon? Anyway, I implore you to learn from my mistakes and leave this most peculiar of bathroom fixtures to it's own devices in the corner. When I come to power I'm going to make them illegal I'll say that much.
Apart from this minor setback though Rome was rather good! I plan to return there one day when I'm rich * to the area around a (once again) very big site in Rome called the Spanish Steps. There were so many designer shops that I would just love to stroll into and buy one thing for a million pounds! They even had the watch James Bond wears! An Omega Seamaster (I'm a JB nerd), it's a sexy piece of kit! I urge you to give it a google! It was Price on Application though. A worrying thing to see on a price label. It means you suggest a price and the seller either agrees or disagrees. I very much wanted to suggest €10.50 and a packet of Skittles but I think they might have laughed me out of the country. One day I'll return though! I'm determined! It's like the time I was about 13 and sat in a Ferrari in a supercar garage and the snippy man from upstairs ran down and shooed me from the shop! I will return to that garage and buy a Ferrari one day and I shall laugh in his face with my black American express card. Or some other kind of card with the word 'platinum' in the title, that's always good. For the sort of prices I expect they'll ask for that watch though I'd want it to shoot laser beams and make my tea like James' one does!
One thing I was able to do though which I was very happy about, was buy a new pair of Converse! In Rome! It was in a Foot Locker so I know they're real! But you can't get them here! I can't find them anyway. You probably can, but for now I'm going to say when someone asks where I got my beautiful new Converse, I can reply 'oh Rome' like a rich bastard! I do like the occasional taste of the high life, like when me and Stu decided to opt for the Sainsbury's own brand pasta rather than Sainsbury's basics to treat ourselves. We know how to live!
Continental shoe shopping was tricky though! Another piece of advice on going to Italy is learn some Italian. It should be obvious but I'd really recommend it. It's not like Spain when every man and his dog knows English. Which is fair enough I think! It's rather good really that they haven't succumbed to it because Italian is a rather beautiful language and a future new thing to try will be learning it! I bought two Italian cookbooks to help me with this. So when I translate them and make tasty foods hopefully I'll pick some up.
One last thing, which rounded off my holiday perfectly was on the last day, after power-walking around Pompeii constantly checking the mountain wasn't on fire, and after a starter of mozzerella, tomato and basil and battered seaweed (give it a go, it's wonderful), the waiter said the phrase 'shutuppayourface' to his daughter, and I have honestly never been happier.
I do hope that coin I threw in the fountain of Trevi does indeed bring me back to Rome one day.
Potholing in St Peter's
*the method of attaining this level of richness is still a puzzle to me, but I really think it was my life's calling! I'd be so good at it!
P.S. I also tried planking, it's a lot of fun I'd advise giving it a go
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