Stately Plump Buck Mulligan... or 'David Tries Relaxing'

I have had two things stuck in my head all day. Firstly the words 'Stately plump Buck Mulligan.' This is the opening few words from Ulysses, a novel by James Joyce a topic which has featured in a previous blog. It is without a doubt the best book I have ever read, and I hate it.

This might confuse some readers, in my head the terms 'best' and 'my favourite' don't usually constitute the same set of books/films/music etc. I think the Godfather's amazing, I love watching it and I could write a considerably long essay about how I think it's the best film I've ever seen. It doesn't come anywhere near my top five though. It just doesn't have the rewatchability of Die Hard or Sleepless in Seattle for me. (Also through that statement you can see my strange range of film tastes)

Ulysses is the book form of the Godfather for me, quite long, quite complicated and brilliant. It took James Joyce 20 years to write and it is taking up most of my time to read. It amazes me how a man can write a 900 page book where every single sentence means something. There is nothing incidental, nothing pointless in this book. And it is amazing.

It is driving me insane.

I mean pretentious much? Needless to say I will not be revisiting this book like I've revisited Harry Potter. No Harry Potter probably doesn't have as much 'literary value' but to hell with literary value I like being relaxed and Ulysses does not do that for me. To read something so confusing and so heavy (in terms of what is in it and just general grams) is really taking it out of me, and I look forward to Christmas so I can say goodbye to it. I can confine it to my shelf and look at it occasionally thinking 'yeah, I read that' and feel jolly well proud of myself.

But I don't think it'll end there. I have a feeling this book won't leave me. Like the Odyssey (the book which it is set around) which I have studied at GCSE, A-Level, and now apparently university level. As my friend Ryan said to me earlier, it's come back to haunt me in Modernist form. Worryingly I not only think that it won't leave me, but that I won't want to leave it. I love finding stuff out and learning things and here is a book that no one has ever found everything from. No one likes it, no one would take the fucking thing on holiday, but people read it, people have talked about it and taken it to pieces for exactly 90 years. I think if I ever get into lecturing, as is one of my dreams, I will be teaching a module on the bloody thing. Because I think it's important to literature, I just can't bloody stand it.

Most things I come across nowadays, I quietly think to myself 'this requires study'. I moan about it like no one else, but I love studying literature. I am in the process of applying for an MA in children's literature. I'm loving my dissertation and I'm taking on another personal study next semester. Which brings me to the second thing which has been stuck in my head all day. The Oasis lyric 'if there's a God won't he give another chancer, an hour to sing for his soul.'

If Ulysses has been contested for 90 years, nothing has been contested like God. I don't know what I think about religion. I won't say anything for or against it because I want to study it. I find modernism almost forces me to think about these things, doing an essay on Nietzsche and statements like 'God is dead' is what should be held accountable for this blog. I find it so interesting and I do believe in something afterwards. I can't get my head around the fact that I'll stop being me. However this blind belief in some form of afterlife does not necessarily support a belief in the almighty. I don't like organised religion, personally I don't like how you have to pick one (for the time it takes up). Why are there so many? Why does there have to be a right one? Are any of them right? I don't know, so I'll be looking into that. My lecturers; scholars and logical minds, go to church and believe. I like to know people's beliefs, I like to know why, so I'll look into it. I don't like being told what to believe, by either side, I like to make my own decisions, so one day I'll take a look at that.

Human beings seem to have a habit of writing on things and people looking at these things a thousand years later and thinking they must have significance. This may have been what happened with the guy who thought up religion on a cave wall or the side of a pyramid. And this may have happened with Ulysses. I would love to have a time machine, visit James Joyce and discover that Ulysses is actually a 900 page book about a man farting, pooing, picking his nose and masturbating his way through a day, eating kidneys, going to funerals and nothing else. And all the literary references and everything else that has been picked apart from it is purely incidental. Until then however...

Stately plump Buck Mulligan...for fuck's sake.

It is because of these thoughts that Ulysses has given me, and doing essays on things like 'God is dead' and an endless stream of modernism travelling my way, I joined a snooker club. It's free for students and it relaxes me. I think it's the clack of the balls? Probably weird but hey, I'm a weird guy. So if you'd like to join me for a game and a chat about Nietzsche or James Joyce, find me at assorted Riley's snooker clubs drinking Guinness and having a lovely relax.

The Church of Do What You Like or 'David Tries Being Ordained'

That's right folks it's happened, two blogs in one day.

I just became a minister in the Universal Life Church Monastery.

So...yeah.

Basically I just wanted to know how easy it was to become a minister. Turns out very! Literally took less than a minute and I'll receive my certificate of authenticity in a minute via email. I had a few reasons for doing this really. The first and most obvious being that this was a very easy new thing for me to try. I suppose I can call it a success! The second reason is that I do think it would be quite nice if anyone I know gets married, they could have me if they wanted! Just like Monica and Chandler did with Joey in Friends. Maybe that's just nice in my head. Probably wouldn't feel very official.

What got me thinking though is this is more than enough for some people. Of course actual reverends go on pilgrimages and do holy orders and get official documents and licenses. But then I can get all that, it says, on my confirmation email that I can marry people, absolve them of their sins and perform baptisms and last rites. I can also, if I really want to, set up my own religion. Why then is this any different to other religions?

Getting into controversial territory here but I'm keen for the debate. What makes my religion so fake? I so far have two possible titles:

1. The Church of Sexy
2. The Church of DWYL (Do What You Like)

To be honest I think my religion would be quite popular. You don't go to hell if you step on a snail and you can pretty much do as you please as long as you don't treat other people badly, if you do, you get reincarnated as a slug, or a sweaty codpiece for a fat wrestler. Or maybe just Phil Neville. Don't defy my religion I have the power! And anyway, Jedi's a religion! If they can have a religion and swing around toy lightsabers then I can have mine!

But jokes aside, technically my religion, save from having a holy text, has all the credentials of other religions. It says, on my email, that I can now officially use the title 'Reverend'. David Tries New Things has led me to a whole new box I can tick on forms. And I will! Next time I get a newspaper subscription or something, I'm definitely getting it sent to Rev. D. Steedman.

Now I'm not saying people should follow me, I don't want them to, unless it's on Twitter (https://twitter.com/#!/DaveSteed24) See what I did there? See that's divine intervention promoting my social networking sites. 

But I'm really not saying people should follow me. It is strange though, how with just a tiny little form, using a password in which I used the word sexy (don't try and crack it, there's numbers in there too, foolproof) I became a minister of a religion, able to perform religious rights in the eyes of the law. It doesn't cost me anything, it was really quick and if I get a special placard printed out I can get free parking! 

Personally I can't really see why what I just did is any different to what ministers in other religions have to do, it was just a lot easier. And you could say I was being insulting, but if I was being serious about this I could say you were being insulting to my new religion. What if I really believed in the Universal Church of Holy Life Monastery Thingy or whatever it was called. (I'm a really good minister) And I bet some people do. Why do they have any less right to believe they're married in the eyes of their God than the eyes of the Christian God, or Muslim God. To be honest, I liked the ethos of this universal church a lot more. It pretty much says, everyone's the same so treat each other good and you'll be alright. It's a lot like the Church of Sexy. Except in my church you get free biscuits, and we have beanbags not pews. And there's a live band at the alter every week. Next week's Red Hot Chili Peppers, I wanted Foo Fighters but they were double booked. 

But this Universal Church seems to have a much more relaxed and in my opinion, better outlook on life. This will spawn outrage I'm sure. I really hope not, I'd like to debate about this with people. So comment and tell me what you think!

Oh God did I just join a cult? Expect the next blog to be titled 'David Tries Biting a Chicken's Head Off'. But to be honest, and this will bring more controversy. I can't really see the difference between a religion and a cult, a religion, in my opinion is a sort of approved cult. Obviously you get really weird cults, but a lot of people would consider a lot of things in religions weird too! It's just weird from different bits of the weird spectrum!

All in all I feel like I've accomplished a lot today. So if you need any sins absolved or anything, I'm your man! If I pay $26 I can even get some badges and candles to make the whole thing a lot more official!

Go now and live under the eyes of the Lord Sexy. He's cool, he has sunglasses.